1
00:00:00,900 --> 00:00:02,201
Yo flav
2
00:00:02,202 --> 00:00:05,238
I'm telling you,
Doing this show is a great idea.
3
00:00:05,238 --> 00:00:11,310
you knowwould never let you
Do anything that makes you look ridiculous.
4
00:00:11,311 --> 00:00:13,913
I mean, anything you say,
Chuck, man, you know.
5
00:00:13,913 --> 00:00:16,949
But just tell me
One thing, man:
6
00:00:16,950 --> 00:00:19,552
What's really going
Up in there tonight, chuck?
7
00:00:19,552 --> 00:00:22,588
Well, what i hear is
You're gonna get up on this big stage
8
00:00:22,589 --> 00:00:25,625
And you're gonna be
Surrounded by nothing but the biggest,
9
00:00:25,625 --> 00:00:27,793
Most famous stars
In the history of america.
10
00:00:28,228 --> 00:00:29,529
Woooow!
11
00:00:29,529 --> 00:00:31,697
I don't know if it'll be
Bigger than that glass but,
12
00:00:31,698 --> 00:00:33,433
They're gonna
Talk about how you're the most wonderful,
13
00:00:33,867 --> 00:00:37,337
talented, most intelligent
Human being alive.
14
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Woooow! That's me.
That's me.
15
00:00:39,939 --> 00:00:42,107
You know they had
To get your girl, brigitte nielsen--
16
00:00:42,108 --> 00:00:43,843
- Brigitte nielsen's
Gonna be there?! - Yeah.
17
00:00:43,843 --> 00:00:45,578
Wooooow!
Yo, chuck,
18
00:00:45,578 --> 00:00:47,746
- She got the big knockers.
- Yeah yeah yeah.
19
00:00:47,747 --> 00:00:49,048
Remember when
I was doing my tv show--
20
00:00:49,049 --> 00:00:52,519
I know, listen.
At the end, they're gonna bring out this gigantic
21
00:00:52,519 --> 00:00:56,856
Flavor flav statue covered
In $100 bills and lollipops.
22
00:00:57,290 --> 00:00:59,025
- Lollipops?
- Solid gold.
23
00:00:59,025 --> 00:01:01,193
- Wooooow!
- Just for you.
24
00:01:01,194 --> 00:01:02,929
- Flavor flav!
- Flavor flav.
25
00:01:03,363 --> 00:01:06,399
Yeah, boy!
Ooh, it's going down!
26
00:01:06,399 --> 00:01:07,700
All right, it looks
Like we're here.
27
00:01:07,700 --> 00:01:10,302
All right, i'll see you inside,
All right, man?
28
00:01:10,303 --> 00:01:12,905
- What you mean,
You'll see me inside? - I'll see you inside.
29
00:01:12,906 --> 00:01:15,074
- No, you got me here, so--
- Got you covered.
30
00:01:15,075 --> 00:01:16,810
- ( door opens )
- What you doing? You parking the car?
31
00:01:16,810 --> 00:01:18,111
Come on, we good.
All right, man?
32
00:01:18,111 --> 00:01:19,412
( Laughing )
33
00:01:19,412 --> 00:01:22,014
- Flavor flav!
- Got you, man, got you.
34
00:01:22,015 --> 00:01:24,617
all right,
I'll be inside, chuck. - All right, cool cool.
35
00:01:24,617 --> 00:01:27,219
All right, driver, get me
The hell up out of here, man.
36
00:01:27,220 --> 00:01:28,521
( tires screech )
37
00:01:28,521 --> 00:01:33,659
They gonna tear
His ass up, boyeee. Mmm.
38
00:01:33,660 --> 00:01:35,395
( hip-hop music playing )
39
00:01:47,107 --> 00:01:49,709
flavor flav:
This is the comedy central roast of me--
40
00:01:49,709 --> 00:01:51,010
flavor flav!
41
00:01:51,444 --> 00:01:54,914
with your roastmaster,
My man, katt williams.
42
00:01:54,914 --> 00:01:56,215
we got other
Master roasters,
43
00:01:56,216 --> 00:01:58,384
like jimmy kimmel,
44
00:01:58,384 --> 00:02:00,119
my girl sommore,
45
00:02:00,553 --> 00:02:02,288
greg giraldo,
46
00:02:02,288 --> 00:02:04,023
snoop dogg in the house,
47
00:02:04,023 --> 00:02:06,625
jeff ross,
48
00:02:06,626 --> 00:02:08,794
ice t,
49
00:02:08,795 --> 00:02:11,831
and my girl
Brigitte nielsen,
50
00:02:11,831 --> 00:02:13,999
patton oswalt,
51
00:02:14,000 --> 00:02:15,301
carrot top
52
00:02:15,301 --> 00:02:17,903
and lisa lampanelli.
53
00:02:17,904 --> 00:02:20,072
the comedy central
Roast of me--
54
00:02:20,507 --> 00:02:22,675
flavor flav!
55
00:02:22,675 --> 00:02:26,145
boyeeee!
56
00:02:26,146 --> 00:02:30,483
now give it up for my man,
Katt williams!
57
00:02:30,483 --> 00:02:32,585
( Audience cheering )
58
00:02:32,585 --> 00:02:34,753
( rap music playing )
59
00:02:36,055 --> 00:02:37,356
All right.
60
00:02:37,357 --> 00:02:39,092
Beautiful.
61
00:02:39,092 --> 00:02:41,694
Now, uh...
62
00:02:41,694 --> 00:02:43,429
Before we get this started,
Here are some ground rules.
63
00:02:43,429 --> 00:02:45,597
I know that
Some of you people here
64
00:02:45,598 --> 00:02:49,068
Came to dog flav out.
Not me.
65
00:02:49,068 --> 00:02:52,538
I came to honor
A close personal friend
66
00:02:52,539 --> 00:02:56,442
Who the collection agency
Knows as william drayton...
67
00:02:56,442 --> 00:02:58,610
A.K.A. Flavor flav.
68
00:02:58,611 --> 00:03:01,213
Now flavor started
Out rapping about social issues.
69
00:03:01,648 --> 00:03:03,383
He's not political anymore,
70
00:03:03,383 --> 00:03:08,154
But he does on occasion
Fuck a bitch that looks like al sharpton.
71
00:03:08,154 --> 00:03:10,322
He's the legendary hype man
Of public enemy
72
00:03:10,323 --> 00:03:12,491
And the only conscious
Black man i've ever known
73
00:03:12,492 --> 00:03:14,660
To wear a sean john
Sweatsuit,
74
00:03:14,661 --> 00:03:17,263
Gold teeth
And an aryan viking cap
75
00:03:17,263 --> 00:03:19,431
At the same
Goddamn time.
76
00:03:19,432 --> 00:03:21,167
Ladies and gentlemen,
Let's look back
77
00:03:21,167 --> 00:03:23,335
At the life and times
Of flavor flav,
78
00:03:23,336 --> 00:03:25,805
None of which
He can remember.
79
00:03:25,805 --> 00:03:28,207
♪ Rap rap rap rap rap
Ch-ch-ch-check this out ♪
80
00:03:28,208 --> 00:03:29,509
♪ Boing. ♪
81
00:03:29,509 --> 00:03:31,244
( Echoing )
Hello!
82
00:03:31,244 --> 00:03:34,280
Hey, y'all ready for it?
Make some noise!
83
00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:36,448
Let's go!
84
00:03:36,449 --> 00:03:39,051
- ♪ Hit me ♪
- ♪ Don't believe the hype... ♪
85
00:03:39,485 --> 00:03:41,220
Flavor flav,
What do you do?
86
00:03:41,654 --> 00:03:43,822
- ( Grunts )
- I'm the one that keeps chuck hyped.
87
00:03:43,823 --> 00:03:45,991
- ♪ Let's get it on ♪
- ♪ Let's get it on ♪
88
00:03:45,992 --> 00:03:49,895
- ♪ Let's get it on... ♪
- We maxin', relaxin', and we waxin'.
89
00:03:49,896 --> 00:03:52,064
I wanna do my dance.
Man, can i do my dance?
90
00:03:52,065 --> 00:03:53,800
- chuck: no.
- ♪ Come on ♪
91
00:03:53,800 --> 00:03:57,270
♪ your bad self,
Papa got a brand new funk ♪
92
00:03:57,704 --> 00:03:59,872
- ♪ kick that ♪
- ♪ Runnin' for your life... ♪
93
00:03:59,872 --> 00:04:02,040
Yeaaaah, boyeee!
94
00:04:03,776 --> 00:04:06,378
Rapper flavor flav was arrested
In a bronx apartment building
95
00:04:06,379 --> 00:04:08,114
on november 1st.
- ♪ Fight the power... ♪
96
00:04:08,114 --> 00:04:13,319
Think about your future,
'Cause there ain't no future in this motherfucker, man.
97
00:04:13,319 --> 00:04:14,620
♪ bring that beat back... ♪
98
00:04:14,621 --> 00:04:16,789
Hell, yeah, dog.
99
00:04:16,789 --> 00:04:18,957
♪ so get up and get get
Get down ♪
100
00:04:18,958 --> 00:04:21,126
♪ 9-1-1 is a joke
In your town... ♪
101
00:04:21,561 --> 00:04:23,296
- They say you're the man.
- You got that right.
102
00:04:23,296 --> 00:04:25,031
- ♪ Ah... ♪
- I love you, flavor.
103
00:04:25,031 --> 00:04:27,633
- Yeah, boyeee!
- That's right, boyeee.
104
00:04:27,634 --> 00:04:28,935
♪ Ah... ♪
105
00:04:31,104 --> 00:04:32,839
- Yeah!
- ( Screaming )
106
00:04:32,839 --> 00:04:35,007
Whaaa!
Flavor flav!
107
00:04:35,008 --> 00:04:37,610
Whoo!
I have ass in both hands.
108
00:04:37,610 --> 00:04:40,212
Heeee-hee-hee!
Drop it!
109
00:04:40,213 --> 00:04:41,948
I am sick of your shit!
110
00:04:41,948 --> 00:04:43,249
- Bitch, get off me!
- Chill!
111
00:04:43,249 --> 00:04:44,984
Fuck all of you!
112
00:04:44,984 --> 00:04:46,719
- That's fucked up.
- Slap me, bitch.
113
00:04:47,153 --> 00:04:48,888
- ( Spits )
- You motherfucking whore!
114
00:04:48,888 --> 00:04:50,623
Whoo!
115
00:04:52,792 --> 00:04:56,262
Yo, flav, man, you is
The black hugh hefner.
116
00:04:56,262 --> 00:04:58,864
- What?
- ( Stammering )
117
00:04:58,865 --> 00:05:00,166
This lady is weird.
118
00:05:00,166 --> 00:05:01,901
I could vibe with you
All day long.
119
00:05:01,901 --> 00:05:03,636
nielsen:
I adore the guy.
120
00:05:03,636 --> 00:05:05,371
flav:
I got a present right here, baby.
121
00:05:05,371 --> 00:05:07,539
- I feel it.
- Whoa!
122
00:05:07,540 --> 00:05:10,142
Oh, whoa whoa whoa!
I do, i do.
123
00:05:10,143 --> 00:05:12,311
flav:
I just like stealing the show.
124
00:05:12,312 --> 00:05:15,348
♪ The land of the free... ♪
125
00:05:15,348 --> 00:05:18,384
And that's what time it is.
You know what i'm saying?
126
00:05:18,384 --> 00:05:23,155
♪ And the home
Of the flav! ♪
127
00:05:23,156 --> 00:05:26,025
( laughing )
128
00:05:26,025 --> 00:05:28,427
( Cheering )
129
00:05:28,428 --> 00:05:30,163
Ladies and gentlemen,
130
00:05:30,163 --> 00:05:32,331
Look up in the sky.
131
00:05:32,332 --> 00:05:34,067
It's a bird,
It's a plane,
132
00:05:34,067 --> 00:05:35,368
It's a crow,
It's a bat.
133
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It's flavor flaaaaav!
134
00:05:40,573 --> 00:05:43,175
( dramatic music playing )
135
00:05:43,176 --> 00:05:46,212
( Cheering )
136
00:06:00,526 --> 00:06:02,261
Yeah!
137
00:06:07,900 --> 00:06:10,068
( hip-hop music playing )
138
00:06:33,059 --> 00:06:34,794
- What's up, katt?
- You look great, man.
139
00:06:34,794 --> 00:06:36,962
Yo, what's up, y'all!
140
00:06:36,963 --> 00:06:39,131
( Cheering )
141
00:06:43,035 --> 00:06:45,637
Woooow!
142
00:06:47,807 --> 00:06:49,542
williams:
Wow.
143
00:06:49,542 --> 00:06:52,578
That, sir,
Was quite an entrance.
144
00:06:52,578 --> 00:06:57,916
Makes you wonder where's
The rest of the flying monkeys from "the wizard of oz."
145
00:06:57,917 --> 00:06:59,652
What a way to kick
The show off, folks.
146
00:06:59,652 --> 00:07:02,688
Well, flav...
147
00:07:02,688 --> 00:07:05,724
In case you ever don't
Feel good about yourself
148
00:07:05,725 --> 00:07:09,195
Look at this all-star cast
That's assembled here
149
00:07:09,195 --> 00:07:11,363
Who are gonna have to
Fire their agents
150
00:07:11,364 --> 00:07:14,834
For booking them
This shit tomorrow.
151
00:07:14,834 --> 00:07:16,135
now, members
Of the audience,
152
00:07:16,135 --> 00:07:18,303
I feel i must warn you,
153
00:07:18,304 --> 00:07:21,774
There's going
To be gratuitous use of the "n" word.
154
00:07:21,774 --> 00:07:26,979
If you looked up here
You can understand the "n" word is "nobodies."
155
00:07:26,979 --> 00:07:28,714
Let's get it started.
Ladies and gentlemen,
156
00:07:28,714 --> 00:07:30,882
We have
Greg giraldo.
157
00:07:30,883 --> 00:07:32,618
( cheering, applauding )
158
00:07:32,618 --> 00:07:35,220
Yes.
159
00:07:35,221 --> 00:07:38,691
Graduated columbia university
And harvard law school,
160
00:07:38,691 --> 00:07:39,992
Worked as a lawyer
161
00:07:39,992 --> 00:07:44,763
And finally became
An angry broke-ass comedian.
162
00:07:44,764 --> 00:07:46,065
good job.
163
00:07:46,065 --> 00:07:47,366
I know a little
Bit about bitches,
164
00:07:47,366 --> 00:07:51,269
And ladies and gentlemen,
This is comedy central's bitch.
165
00:07:55,608 --> 00:07:58,210
He's riding comedy central
The way lisa lampanelli
166
00:07:58,211 --> 00:08:01,247
Rides niggas at
The million man march.
167
00:08:01,681 --> 00:08:04,283
there's some riding
Going on.
168
00:08:06,452 --> 00:08:09,488
Jimmy kimmel is here.
Has his own show.
169
00:08:09,489 --> 00:08:12,959
give it up for mr. Kimmel.
170
00:08:12,959 --> 00:08:15,561
He's successful
And he has smoked more weed
171
00:08:15,561 --> 00:08:19,464
Than both snoop
And flavor flav today.
172
00:08:22,935 --> 00:08:25,971
Next we have
The wonderful patton oswalt.
173
00:08:25,972 --> 00:08:30,309
he's a walking contradiction.
174
00:08:30,309 --> 00:08:32,911
On one hand he's smart
And witty,
175
00:08:32,912 --> 00:08:35,514
And on the other hand
He's an avowed atheist.
176
00:08:35,515 --> 00:08:37,683
But i guess
If i had his career,
177
00:08:37,683 --> 00:08:39,418
I wouldn't believe
In god either.
178
00:08:40,286 --> 00:08:44,623
It's sad that
He did his first hbo special in 1995
179
00:08:44,624 --> 00:08:48,527
And since then has done
35 tv and film projects.
180
00:08:48,528 --> 00:08:50,263
And after all that,
181
00:08:50,263 --> 00:08:53,299
He still looks
Like a grown midget.
182
00:08:53,299 --> 00:08:57,202
I guess that's
God's way of saying "fuck you, you fat atheist."
183
00:08:57,203 --> 00:09:00,673
Thank you,
Patton oswalt.
184
00:09:04,577 --> 00:09:06,745
Carrot top, people say
You're washed up,
185
00:09:06,746 --> 00:09:08,914
But i think you've
Done pretty good
186
00:09:08,915 --> 00:09:11,517
Considering the fact
You died in 1986.
187
00:09:13,686 --> 00:09:15,854
"If ronald mcdonald
Fucked wendy's"
188
00:09:15,855 --> 00:09:17,590
Is what i'm
Saying to you here.
189
00:09:19,759 --> 00:09:23,662
Don't look at your watch,
I'm gonna be whoopin' your ass all goddamn night.
190
00:09:23,663 --> 00:09:25,831
this is
A motherfucking roast.
191
00:09:29,735 --> 00:09:31,903
Jeff ross...
192
00:09:31,904 --> 00:09:34,072
Jeff ross is
In the pimp hat there.
193
00:09:34,073 --> 00:09:38,844
The legendary jeff ross,
The general roastmaster...
194
00:09:38,844 --> 00:09:41,446
Looks like a depressed
Hobbit with down syndrome.
195
00:09:44,050 --> 00:09:46,652
He performed for the troops
In war-torn areas,
196
00:09:46,652 --> 00:09:48,387
And even those
Shows don't sell out,
197
00:09:48,387 --> 00:09:51,423
Which makes you understand
That even if the show was free,
198
00:09:51,424 --> 00:09:53,592
You didn't have
Anywhere else to be,
199
00:09:53,593 --> 00:09:56,195
Some people
Would rather die than enjoy his brand of comedy.
200
00:09:56,629 --> 00:09:58,364
jeff ross,
Ladies and gentlemen.
201
00:10:04,870 --> 00:10:07,472
Lisa lampanelli...
202
00:10:07,473 --> 00:10:10,075
what can you say about her?
The queen of mean.
203
00:10:11,377 --> 00:10:13,112
I just want to
Explain to you, lisa,
204
00:10:13,112 --> 00:10:14,847
That the only reason
That black men fuck you
205
00:10:14,847 --> 00:10:21,353
Is so they can feel like
They beat up a white man and got away with it.
206
00:10:21,354 --> 00:10:24,657
having done all that...
207
00:10:24,657 --> 00:10:26,625
Let's get it crackin'.
208
00:10:26,626 --> 00:10:29,228
Ladies and gentlemen,
Our first roaster...
209
00:10:29,228 --> 00:10:33,565
We're gonna get him
Out of the way so we can enjoy some comedy.
210
00:10:33,566 --> 00:10:35,734
Please give it up
For greg giraldo.
211
00:10:35,735 --> 00:10:37,903
Make some noise for him.
212
00:10:37,903 --> 00:10:40,071
( rock music playing )
213
00:10:43,542 --> 00:10:44,843
Thank you, everybody.
214
00:10:44,844 --> 00:10:47,446
Keep it going
For katt williams.
215
00:10:47,446 --> 00:10:50,482
Isn't he adorable?
What a cute, little kinda person he is.
216
00:10:51,350 --> 00:10:53,952
Holy shit.
Katt, you're like afro sheen--
217
00:10:53,953 --> 00:10:56,555
Some white people
Have heard of you, but no one knows what you do.
218
00:11:01,327 --> 00:11:03,929
What a teeny,
Little pimp!
219
00:11:05,231 --> 00:11:06,966
Man, being a pimp
Ain't easy,
220
00:11:06,966 --> 00:11:19,545
Especially when you gotta
Stand on phone books to smack a bitch.
221
00:11:19,545 --> 00:11:21,713
You've got
A great look, katt. I love it.
222
00:11:21,714 --> 00:11:25,184
I was backstage,
I thought i smelled the stinkiest, nastiest bud,
223
00:11:25,184 --> 00:11:27,786
Turns out it was just katt
Ironing his hair.
224
00:11:30,823 --> 00:11:33,859
This is great.
Katt williams, flavor flav,
225
00:11:33,859 --> 00:11:34,726
Snoop, ice t.
226
00:11:34,727 --> 00:11:36,462
There are so many
Black dicks up here,
227
00:11:36,462 --> 00:11:42,534
I feel like we're doing this
Roast in lisa lampanelli's mouth.
228
00:11:42,535 --> 00:11:45,571
Face it, lisa,
You've swallowed more black seeds
229
00:11:45,571 --> 00:11:48,173
Than warren sapp
At a watermelon-eating contest.
230
00:11:50,342 --> 00:11:52,510
Ice t is here, holy--
231
00:11:52,511 --> 00:11:54,246
Ice t,
You fucking fossil.
232
00:11:56,849 --> 00:11:59,017
Holy shit.
You're so old, the first thing you bought
233
00:11:59,018 --> 00:12:05,090
The first thing you bought
With your record deal money was your freedom.
234
00:12:10,730 --> 00:12:19,839
On your first album,
The "n" word was "negro."
235
00:12:19,839 --> 00:12:21,574
Sommore is here.
236
00:12:21,574 --> 00:12:23,309
Sommore,
When it comes to movies,
237
00:12:23,309 --> 00:12:25,044
Maybe you should do
"Some less."
238
00:12:26,345 --> 00:12:28,947
"Soul plane,"
Holy shit.
239
00:12:28,948 --> 00:12:31,550
That was such a horrible
Embarrassment to black people,
240
00:12:31,550 --> 00:12:34,152
Brigitte nielsen
Tried to fuck it.
241
00:12:40,659 --> 00:12:41,526
Brigitte nielsen's here.
242
00:12:41,527 --> 00:12:43,262
Good to see you
Sitting up, sweetheart.
243
00:12:45,431 --> 00:12:46,732
i guess you're in rehab
244
00:12:46,732 --> 00:12:48,467
And i really hope
That works out for you.
245
00:12:48,467 --> 00:12:50,635
But seriously,
If you want to stop
246
00:12:50,636 --> 00:12:52,804
Repeating the disgusting things
You've done in the past,
247
00:12:52,805 --> 00:12:55,841
Why don't you just get
Your pussy sewn shut?
248
00:12:55,841 --> 00:13:00,178
Think of how many spools
Of thread that would take.
249
00:13:01,914 --> 00:13:11,456
Your pussy's so big,
Sylvester stallone left his career in there.
250
00:13:11,457 --> 00:13:14,059
Say something.
Say something.
251
00:13:14,059 --> 00:13:18,830
God, you are a big,
Ghoulish woman.
252
00:13:18,831 --> 00:13:21,433
I'm talking to you,
Carrot top.
253
00:13:23,602 --> 00:13:24,903
jesus!
254
00:13:25,771 --> 00:13:27,939
What happened
To your face?
255
00:13:30,976 --> 00:13:34,012
You look retarded.
How did you do that?
256
00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:36,615
How did you find
A plastic surgeon
257
00:13:36,615 --> 00:13:38,350
Who could add
A chromosome?
258
00:13:42,254 --> 00:13:44,422
And what's with the muscles?
259
00:13:44,423 --> 00:13:48,760
How much strength does
It take to jump around on stage like a spastic monkey?
260
00:13:48,761 --> 00:13:51,797
Don't answer that, flav.
261
00:13:51,797 --> 00:13:54,399
that's for later.
262
00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:57,436
This really is an ugly
Group of people, holy shit,
263
00:13:57,436 --> 00:14:00,038
Just like giant white women
And a bunch of black dudes.
264
00:14:00,039 --> 00:14:05,244
I feel like we're doing
One of those "baby daddy" shows on the maury povich show.
265
00:14:05,244 --> 00:14:09,581
Don't worry, jimmy, you'll
Be hosting that soon too.
266
00:14:09,582 --> 00:14:10,449
You just had
Your appendix out.
267
00:14:10,883 --> 00:14:13,485
Apparently,
You can get appendicitis from being overrated.
268
00:14:13,485 --> 00:14:16,087
All: oh!
269
00:14:16,088 --> 00:14:19,558
That? That was the one
That was too much? Overrated?
270
00:14:19,558 --> 00:14:23,461
Giant pussy's okay,
But don't...
271
00:14:23,462 --> 00:14:25,630
Jeff ross.
Jeff, how are you?
272
00:14:25,631 --> 00:14:28,667
Jeff just hosted some
Ridiculous talent show on abc.
273
00:14:28,667 --> 00:14:33,438
A talent show!
Where do you get the balls to host a talent--
274
00:14:33,439 --> 00:14:38,644
You running a talent show
Is like michael vick running the aspca.
275
00:14:38,644 --> 00:14:44,716
Maybe next year you could host
A handsome contest.
276
00:14:44,717 --> 00:14:46,885
- Good to see snoop here.
- ( Cheering )
277
00:14:46,886 --> 00:14:49,054
snoop, uh...
278
00:14:51,657 --> 00:14:54,693
Snoop smokes so much hemp,
He once shit a rope.
279
00:14:56,862 --> 00:14:58,163
Snoop, you're
Filled with toxins,
280
00:14:58,163 --> 00:14:59,464
You've killed people,
281
00:14:59,465 --> 00:15:01,200
And you've been banned
From every country on the planet.
282
00:15:01,200 --> 00:15:03,368
You're like
Chinese toothpaste.
283
00:15:05,537 --> 00:15:09,007
And our guest of honor,
Flavor flav.
284
00:15:09,008 --> 00:15:11,176
This is really--
This is exciting, flav, it really is.
285
00:15:11,176 --> 00:15:12,911
- ( cheering )
This is an honor.
286
00:15:12,912 --> 00:15:16,815
I've-- i've never roasted
An oily cadaver before.
287
00:15:16,815 --> 00:15:20,718
You're like a turd with teeth.
Look at yourself.
288
00:15:20,719 --> 00:15:25,924
I love the crown.
You look like king lear got trapped in a forest fire.
289
00:15:25,925 --> 00:15:29,395
You are one
Black motherfucker.
290
00:15:29,395 --> 00:15:33,298
You're like a skeleton
Wrapped in electrical tape.
291
00:15:33,299 --> 00:15:34,600
you look like idi amin
292
00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:37,202
After a three-year
Crack binge on the sun.
293
00:15:39,371 --> 00:15:41,539
You're a groundbreaker.
Let's face it, flav,
294
00:15:41,540 --> 00:15:44,576
This is a racist country and
Normally to make it in america
295
00:15:44,576 --> 00:15:47,612
A black man has to be
Really good at something.
296
00:15:49,782 --> 00:15:52,384
"Flavor of love"--
I've seen more culturally uplifting entertainment
297
00:15:52,384 --> 00:15:56,287
At a tijuana donkey show.
298
00:15:56,288 --> 00:15:57,589
All right, flav.
Well, you're the best, man.
299
00:15:57,589 --> 00:16:01,059
You really--
You've just left a mark on the cultural landscape
300
00:16:01,060 --> 00:16:03,228
That people can only
Dream of doing.
301
00:16:03,228 --> 00:16:05,830
You're one of the most
Memorable people ever in the history of entertainment,
302
00:16:05,831 --> 00:16:08,867
And with that clock
Around your neck, that was just pure genius,
303
00:16:08,867 --> 00:16:11,903
'Cause watching you,
America really always knows what time it is--
304
00:16:11,904 --> 00:16:15,807
It's time black people
Stopped progressing as a race.
305
00:16:18,844 --> 00:16:21,012
- ( hip-hop music playing )
- ( Cheering )
306
00:16:22,114 --> 00:16:23,849
flav:
Coming up, snoop dogg.
307
00:16:24,283 --> 00:16:26,451
I'm fucked up, o.G.
I am fucked up!
308
00:16:26,452 --> 00:16:29,922
flaice t!
Jimmy kimmel!
309
00:16:29,922 --> 00:16:32,090
- oh shit, i don't
Have my wallet. - Flav: jeff ross!
310
00:16:32,091 --> 00:16:34,259
This show is gonna be
Nominated for an academy award.
311
00:16:34,259 --> 00:16:35,994
and lisa lampanelli!
312
00:16:35,995 --> 00:16:39,031
Flav, if you don't like the
Show, i'll bang you later. Bye.
313
00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:44,470
Ladies and gentlemen,
Behind every great man
314
00:16:44,470 --> 00:16:47,072
Is a greater woman.
Please give it up for the woman behind me,
315
00:16:47,072 --> 00:16:48,807
D.J. Spinderella.
316
00:16:48,807 --> 00:16:50,975
( Cheering )
317
00:16:53,579 --> 00:16:55,747
Ladies and gentlemen,
When i asked comedy central
318
00:16:55,748 --> 00:16:58,350
To book a strong,
Black woman on the roast,
319
00:16:58,350 --> 00:17:00,085
They went out...
320
00:17:00,085 --> 00:17:02,687
And got a woman
Who can bench-press 350.
321
00:17:02,688 --> 00:17:05,290
Please give it up
For my girl sommore.
322
00:17:05,290 --> 00:17:07,025
Make some noise
For the queen!
323
00:17:07,026 --> 00:17:10,062
- ( cheering )
- ( Rap music playing )
324
00:17:14,400 --> 00:17:17,002
All right, now,
Make some noise for webster.
325
00:17:17,002 --> 00:17:19,170
( cheering )
326
00:17:23,075 --> 00:17:24,810
No, katt williams
Is tiny, right?
327
00:17:24,810 --> 00:17:26,978
I don't know whether
To fuck him or change him.
328
00:17:30,449 --> 00:17:32,617
But i'd fuck him
'Cause he's rich.
329
00:17:32,618 --> 00:17:35,220
i mean, you'd figure he's saved
A whole bunch of money
330
00:17:35,220 --> 00:17:39,123
Ordering off
The children's menu for 20 years.
331
00:17:39,124 --> 00:17:39,991
It's a hell
Of a group up here.
332
00:17:39,992 --> 00:17:41,727
There's a lot
Of gangster rappers.
333
00:17:42,161 --> 00:17:43,896
This is the first gig
Where the security
334
00:17:43,896 --> 00:17:46,932
Is protecting the audience
From the performers.
335
00:17:49,101 --> 00:17:52,571
And what the fuck
Is patton oswalt doing here?
336
00:17:52,571 --> 00:18:01,246
Although i did like you
On "to catch a predator." You were good.
337
00:18:01,680 --> 00:18:03,848
and please
Don't laugh, ice t.
338
00:18:03,849 --> 00:18:08,620
Because you are
The least paid negro on n-b-c.
339
00:18:08,620 --> 00:18:13,391
I know motherfuckers on b-e-t
That make more money than you.
340
00:18:13,392 --> 00:18:16,428
I think the person that makes
The typewriter sound on "law and order"
341
00:18:16,428 --> 00:18:18,596
Makes more money than you.
342
00:18:24,670 --> 00:18:26,405
But they say old habits
Are hard to break.
343
00:18:26,405 --> 00:18:38,116
They said for the first season,
Ice t kept getting in the back of the squad car.
344
00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:40,719
But i just can't
Get over seeing katt.
345
00:18:40,719 --> 00:18:42,454
i mean, we see
Katt williams everywhere--
346
00:18:42,888 --> 00:18:45,056
T-v, movies.
347
00:18:45,057 --> 00:18:46,358
I mean, be honest,
Black people.
348
00:18:46,358 --> 00:18:49,828
Aren't we glad we have
Our george jefferson back?
349
00:18:53,298 --> 00:18:55,033
Okay, now i know
This is a roast,
350
00:18:55,033 --> 00:18:59,370
But i don't want to hear
Anybody in here calling me a nappy-headed ho.
351
00:18:59,371 --> 00:19:01,539
There's only one
Nappy-headed ho on this stage,
352
00:19:01,540 --> 00:19:03,708
And that's carrot top.
353
00:19:05,878 --> 00:19:08,914
Jimmy kimmel,
You are the luckiest white man in america,
354
00:19:08,914 --> 00:19:10,215
i swear.
355
00:19:10,215 --> 00:19:11,950
Please introduce me
To the motherfucker
356
00:19:11,950 --> 00:19:15,420
That's keeping you on tv
So i can suck his dick too. Please.
357
00:19:15,420 --> 00:19:17,588
audience:
Oh! Whoa! Woo!
358
00:19:21,927 --> 00:19:24,963
No, if a black man was
As unfunny as you are,
359
00:19:24,963 --> 00:19:27,131
The highest he could be
Would be eddie griffin.
360
00:19:27,132 --> 00:19:29,734
I swear to god, yeah.
361
00:19:29,735 --> 00:19:32,337
Oh!
362
00:19:32,337 --> 00:19:36,240
And brigitte nielsen,
I'd like to make this the first time
363
00:19:36,241 --> 00:19:46,651
I ever thanked a white woman
For taking a black man off the market.
364
00:19:46,652 --> 00:19:50,122
Bitch, if you fucked flavor
Flav, you don't got jungle fever, bitch,
365
00:19:50,122 --> 00:19:53,158
You got ebola, okay?
366
00:19:57,496 --> 00:20:00,532
I mean, does flav really
Need to be roasted?
367
00:20:00,532 --> 00:20:04,869
He's burnt already.
368
00:20:04,870 --> 00:20:06,605
And i know black
Is beautiful.
369
00:20:06,605 --> 00:20:09,641
Motherfucker, you are
Black, smutty and dark.
370
00:20:11,376 --> 00:20:13,111
No, dark is dark,
371
00:20:13,545 --> 00:20:15,280
But i didn't know shit
Was a flesh tone,
372
00:20:15,280 --> 00:20:17,882
I swear to god.
373
00:20:17,883 --> 00:20:21,353
And not only are you dark,
But you're skinny.
374
00:20:21,353 --> 00:20:22,654
You look like...
375
00:20:22,654 --> 00:20:25,256
Magic johnson should look.
376
00:20:25,257 --> 00:20:26,992
( audience groaning )
377
00:20:30,896 --> 00:20:33,064
Oh!
378
00:20:34,800 --> 00:20:37,402
And flav's called
Hisself a producer.
379
00:20:37,402 --> 00:20:40,004
Since public enemy,
You haven't produced shit
380
00:20:40,005 --> 00:20:42,607
But eight kids
By six different women.
381
00:20:43,909 --> 00:20:46,945
You just like george bush,
You refuse to pull out.
382
00:20:49,114 --> 00:20:51,716
( cheering )
383
00:20:56,922 --> 00:21:00,825
But, flav, in a very
Very strange and sick way
384
00:21:00,826 --> 00:21:02,994
i respect you.
385
00:21:02,995 --> 00:21:05,163
1...You didn't
Perm your hair,
386
00:21:05,163 --> 00:21:06,898
You didn't put on a dress,
387
00:21:06,898 --> 00:21:09,934
You kissed every bitch
On the show
388
00:21:09,935 --> 00:21:14,272
And after fucking you,
All your ho's became famous.
389
00:21:16,008 --> 00:21:18,610
So here's to you
Tonight, player. Have a good time.
390
00:21:18,610 --> 00:21:21,212
( cheering )
391
00:21:21,213 --> 00:21:23,381
( hip-hop music playing )
392
00:21:23,382 --> 00:21:25,117
- Thank you for coming, baby.
- Thank you, baby.
393
00:21:25,117 --> 00:21:26,218
love you.
Thank you.
394
00:21:29,054 --> 00:21:31,222
Sommore is proof that
If you take a raggedy car
395
00:21:31,223 --> 00:21:32,524
And put a whole lot
Of money in it,
396
00:21:32,524 --> 00:21:34,692
You'll have
A nice-looking raggedy car.
397
00:21:36,428 --> 00:21:37,295
now, i'd like to bring things
398
00:21:37,296 --> 00:21:40,332
To a screeching halt
With our next roaster.
399
00:21:40,332 --> 00:21:42,934
He's so white,
Ice t would marry him.
400
00:21:44,236 --> 00:21:47,272
Please welcome
The least powerful man in show business--
401
00:21:47,272 --> 00:21:50,742
- jimmy kimmel.
- ( Pop music playing )
402
00:21:56,815 --> 00:21:59,417
Thank you, tiny black person
I've never heard of.
403
00:22:02,454 --> 00:22:05,924
Um... By the way,
Wasn't sommore terrific?
404
00:22:05,924 --> 00:22:08,526
And let me say
Not only is she funny,
405
00:22:08,527 --> 00:22:10,695
But i love that song
You did in the '80s,
406
00:22:10,696 --> 00:22:12,431
"Word up!"
407
00:22:14,599 --> 00:22:17,635
"it's like candy,"
You know what i'm saying?
408
00:22:17,636 --> 00:22:21,539
It's great to see
Greg giraldo... Somewhere.
409
00:22:21,540 --> 00:22:23,708
Greg, you, uh,
You killed again.
410
00:22:23,709 --> 00:22:28,914
And, um... Again,
It will lead to nothing.
411
00:22:28,914 --> 00:22:31,516
What an honor to be
At the roast of flavor flav.
412
00:22:31,516 --> 00:22:34,118
What happened?
Coolio said no?
413
00:22:35,854 --> 00:22:38,890
Young m.C. Had a state fair
He had to be at?
414
00:22:41,059 --> 00:22:42,794
Brigitte nielsen
Is here.
415
00:22:42,794 --> 00:22:46,264
Her manager told me
That they pulled her out of rehab for this.
416
00:22:46,698 --> 00:22:48,433
It's good to have people
Around you who care.
417
00:22:48,433 --> 00:22:51,469
- It really is.
- Thank you, thank you.
418
00:22:51,470 --> 00:22:54,072
The first time i saw flavor
Jump into brigitte's arms,
419
00:22:54,072 --> 00:22:55,807
I thought--
420
00:22:55,807 --> 00:23:02,747
Uh, originally, i thought
V-h-1 gave joan embry a show from the san diego zoo.
421
00:23:02,748 --> 00:23:07,953
One of the--
One of the charming things we learned from greg giraldo
422
00:23:07,953 --> 00:23:10,989
Is that brigitte nielsen has
A larger-than-normal vagina.
423
00:23:10,989 --> 00:23:12,724
And i don't want
To say it's big,
424
00:23:12,724 --> 00:23:14,892
But i do want people
Watching at home to know that
425
00:23:14,893 --> 00:23:17,929
We're doing this show
From inside it right now.
426
00:23:20,966 --> 00:23:24,002
Ron jeremy is here tonight
In the audience.
427
00:23:24,002 --> 00:23:25,303
- he's--
- ( Cheering )
428
00:23:25,303 --> 00:23:28,773
Yeah-- here to support his
Twin brother lisa lampanelli.
429
00:23:38,316 --> 00:23:40,051
I tell you, we feel
A little handcuffed
430
00:23:40,051 --> 00:23:42,653
Because it's hard
To make fat jokes about lisa
431
00:23:42,654 --> 00:23:44,822
Because she's lost
So much weight.
432
00:23:44,823 --> 00:23:48,293
Thank god
For ugly jokes.
433
00:23:48,293 --> 00:23:50,461
We're happy lisa's here.
She almost didn't make it tonight.
434
00:23:50,462 --> 00:23:52,630
Up until 6:00
This morning,
435
00:23:52,631 --> 00:23:56,534
She was chained
To a truck axle in michael vick's backyard.
436
00:24:03,475 --> 00:24:06,945
Wow, look at all the talented,
Talented african-americans in the room tonight--
437
00:24:06,945 --> 00:24:09,113
Snoop dogg,
Flavor flav, ice t.
438
00:24:09,114 --> 00:24:11,282
If a bomb went off,
You realize--
439
00:24:11,283 --> 00:24:14,319
Well, if a bomb
Went off, this would be the source awards.
440
00:24:16,488 --> 00:24:19,090
This roast is
Environmentally conscious.
441
00:24:19,090 --> 00:24:23,861
It's comedy central's
First carbon-neutral television show.
442
00:24:23,862 --> 00:24:25,163
Hey, listen,
Comedy central,
443
00:24:25,163 --> 00:24:27,765
If you want to stop
Polluting the atmosphere
444
00:24:27,766 --> 00:24:30,802
Cancel "mind of mencia."
445
00:24:35,574 --> 00:24:36,875
Thank you.
446
00:24:36,875 --> 00:24:40,345
Tonight is a momentous
Evening for flavor flav.
447
00:24:40,345 --> 00:24:43,381
This is the first time
He'll ever be speaking
448
00:24:43,381 --> 00:24:45,549
In front of a room
Full of white people
449
00:24:45,550 --> 00:24:48,152
Without having to
Be sworn in first.
450
00:24:50,322 --> 00:24:52,924
Look at this dais.
We've got, by my count,
451
00:24:52,924 --> 00:24:55,092
Seven white people,
Five black people.
452
00:24:55,093 --> 00:24:58,563
Your honor, we find
The defendant guilty as charged.
453
00:25:01,166 --> 00:25:04,202
It's exciting.
Flav's ladies are here in the audience tonight.
454
00:25:04,202 --> 00:25:06,804
Um... Dat, hottie,
455
00:25:06,805 --> 00:25:10,275
Toastee, sleepy,
Dopey, slutty and doc.
456
00:25:10,275 --> 00:25:11,576
all here.
457
00:25:12,444 --> 00:25:13,745
they named the show
"Flavor of love"
458
00:25:13,745 --> 00:25:16,781
Because v-h-1 decided
The original title--
459
00:25:16,781 --> 00:25:22,853
"Black guy
Impregnates 20 whores" wasn't catchy enough.
460
00:25:22,854 --> 00:25:25,022
Did the whores
Do something?
461
00:25:25,891 --> 00:25:27,626
yes. Yes.
462
00:25:29,361 --> 00:25:32,831
Yes, that'll change
The perceptions about you.
463
00:25:36,301 --> 00:25:38,036
another--
464
00:25:38,036 --> 00:25:41,072
Maybe another season
Of "charm school" is in order.
465
00:25:45,844 --> 00:25:47,145
Anyway...
466
00:25:47,145 --> 00:25:50,615
Let's see, where was i
Before i was interrupted by those whores?
467
00:25:54,085 --> 00:25:57,121
I want to talk about
Flavor flav the man.
468
00:25:57,122 --> 00:25:58,857
Flavor flav--
469
00:25:58,857 --> 00:26:01,893
I have gotten to know him.
He has a large wonderful family.
470
00:26:01,893 --> 00:26:04,495
He has-- what is it,
Seven kids or eight kids?
471
00:26:04,496 --> 00:26:05,363
Seven.
472
00:26:05,363 --> 00:26:07,531
You sure?
473
00:26:07,532 --> 00:26:12,303
Seven kids with
14 different women. And...
474
00:26:12,304 --> 00:26:14,906
And he's hoping--
You're hoping to have 10, three more, right?
475
00:26:14,906 --> 00:26:15,773
- That's right!
- Yes.
476
00:26:15,774 --> 00:26:18,810
His kids names
Are designa,
477
00:26:18,810 --> 00:26:20,978
Kwan, shaniq,
478
00:26:20,979 --> 00:26:24,015
William and karen--
Go figure--
479
00:26:24,015 --> 00:26:25,316
kayla and karma.
480
00:26:25,317 --> 00:26:27,919
And he has
Two grandsons too.
481
00:26:27,919 --> 00:26:30,087
And they each
Have four children
482
00:26:30,088 --> 00:26:32,256
And they each
Have two grandsons.
483
00:26:33,992 --> 00:26:41,366
Flavor flav is responsible
For more homeless black children than hurricane katrina.
484
00:26:44,836 --> 00:26:46,571
At the end
Of the night tonight,
485
00:26:46,571 --> 00:26:48,739
We're gonna hold you down
And give you a vasectomy
486
00:26:48,740 --> 00:26:51,776
Just for the good
Of the human race.
487
00:26:51,776 --> 00:26:54,812
Chris benoit is
A better father than flavor flav.
488
00:26:54,813 --> 00:26:56,981
( Audience groans )
489
00:26:58,283 --> 00:27:00,451
Flav, i don't
Know how old you are, but you don't look good.
490
00:27:00,452 --> 00:27:02,620
When i first saw you
Sitting up there
491
00:27:02,621 --> 00:27:05,223
I thought it was
An open-casket memorial for james brown.
492
00:27:08,693 --> 00:27:10,428
flavor flav is
So skinny and black,
493
00:27:10,428 --> 00:27:12,596
He looks like
A make-a-wish kid
494
00:27:12,597 --> 00:27:16,934
Whose last request
Was to try on a wetsuit.
495
00:27:19,104 --> 00:27:21,272
You know, they say--
And this is what they'll say--
496
00:27:21,272 --> 00:27:24,308
The reason that
We're here tonight is to honor flavor flav,
497
00:27:24,309 --> 00:27:25,610
But let's be honest.
498
00:27:25,610 --> 00:27:28,646
I mean, this is a guy
Who got famous for yelling
499
00:27:28,647 --> 00:27:30,815
"Yeah, boy"
On the stage.
500
00:27:30,815 --> 00:27:32,983
He doesn't deserve
To be honored.
501
00:27:32,984 --> 00:27:35,152
Flavor flav
Is the reason
502
00:27:35,153 --> 00:27:37,755
President bush
Doesn't like black people.
503
00:27:39,057 --> 00:27:41,225
But we might as well
Enjoy him now
504
00:27:41,226 --> 00:27:45,563
Before oprah inevitably
Has him destroyed.
505
00:27:45,563 --> 00:27:49,033
Here's to you, flav!
Flavor flaaaav!
506
00:27:50,335 --> 00:27:52,804
( hip-hop music playing )
- I love you, jimmy, man!
507
00:27:52,804 --> 00:27:54,539
flav:
Up next, ice t!
508
00:27:54,539 --> 00:27:58,009
Flav, hold your head down.
Duck, take cover. It's about to happen.
509
00:27:58,443 --> 00:28:00,611
flav:
Brigitte nielsen! Jeff ross!
510
00:28:00,612 --> 00:28:02,780
I'm only making fun
Of patton oswalt this year.
511
00:28:02,781 --> 00:28:05,383
They have, like,
Liquid crystal clocks now.
512
00:28:05,383 --> 00:28:08,419
You don't have to have
That thing that you wind up. You're not amish.
513
00:28:12,323 --> 00:28:16,560
This next man is a legend
In the light-skinned black community.
514
00:28:16,561 --> 00:28:18,296
If you think
His acting is bad,
515
00:28:18,296 --> 00:28:20,898
Wait till you
See his comedy.
516
00:28:20,899 --> 00:28:22,634
Ladies and gentlemen,
517
00:28:22,634 --> 00:28:23,935
The original gangsta,
518
00:28:23,935 --> 00:28:26,103
if there was none other--
519
00:28:26,104 --> 00:28:28,706
Ice t!
520
00:28:28,707 --> 00:28:30,442
( rap music playing )
521
00:28:37,382 --> 00:28:39,117
This is some shit
Right here, right?
522
00:28:39,117 --> 00:28:42,153
You gotta let motherfuckers
Talk crazy about you and just stand there.
523
00:28:42,153 --> 00:28:44,321
I want to bust a cap
In some niggas later.
524
00:28:44,322 --> 00:28:46,490
There's gonna be some shit.
525
00:28:49,094 --> 00:28:50,829
Look who we got
Up here on the stage with me tonight--
526
00:28:51,262 --> 00:28:53,864
Jeff ross, patton oswalt,
Jimmy kimmel.
527
00:28:53,865 --> 00:28:56,901
If it wasn't for white
Boys like you, i'd have been a broke pimp, trust me.
528
00:29:00,371 --> 00:29:03,841
Carrot top,
Where the fuck do i start?
529
00:29:05,143 --> 00:29:06,444
Eyeliner to muscles--
530
00:29:06,444 --> 00:29:08,612
Looks like halfway
Through your sex change
531
00:29:08,613 --> 00:29:10,781
Your doctor just said,
"Fuck it."
532
00:29:19,891 --> 00:29:21,192
Brigitte nielsen...
533
00:29:21,192 --> 00:29:24,662
I never seen brigitte nielsen
Up close before. Damn.
534
00:29:26,397 --> 00:29:28,132
I guess that's
How you end up looking
535
00:29:28,133 --> 00:29:29,868
When the guy that's
Fucking you wears a clock
536
00:29:29,868 --> 00:29:35,940
That's busting you in the face
All fucking night.
537
00:29:36,374 --> 00:29:42,012
Rupaul--
I mean, sommore...
538
00:29:42,013 --> 00:29:51,989
You're the only bitch i know
That can make a brother cut a conjugal visit short.
539
00:29:52,423 --> 00:29:54,158
And i must be the only
Black man in america
540
00:29:54,159 --> 00:29:57,629
Who's never been inside
Lisa lampanelli's pussy.
541
00:29:59,364 --> 00:30:00,665
I tried to get in one night,
542
00:30:00,665 --> 00:30:05,002
But the fire marshall
Was in there turning niggas away.
543
00:30:13,678 --> 00:30:16,280
My nigga, snoop dogg.
544
00:30:16,281 --> 00:30:18,883
Congratulations...
545
00:30:18,883 --> 00:30:21,051
On getting through
The metal detector.
546
00:30:27,125 --> 00:30:29,727
Snoop smoke so much weed
That he farted during the commercial,
547
00:30:29,727 --> 00:30:32,329
The whole front row
Got the munchies.
548
00:30:36,668 --> 00:30:38,836
Let me get to the man
Of the hour--
549
00:30:38,837 --> 00:30:41,439
Flavor flaaaav!
550
00:30:44,909 --> 00:30:46,644
This is my man,
You know what i'm sayin'?
551
00:30:46,644 --> 00:30:50,114
And i must confess
I can't go hard on flav.
552
00:30:50,114 --> 00:30:52,282
Back in the day,
553
00:30:52,283 --> 00:30:54,018
Me and flav,
554
00:30:54,018 --> 00:30:56,186
We smoked a lot
Of crack together.
555
00:30:58,790 --> 00:31:02,260
Okay, i sold flav
A lot of crack, all right?
556
00:31:04,429 --> 00:31:06,164
People look at me,
They say "o.G."
557
00:31:06,164 --> 00:31:08,766
They look at motherfucker
Flav, they go "oh, shit."
558
00:31:11,369 --> 00:31:13,971
His name wasn't always
Flavor flav, though, you know.
559
00:31:13,972 --> 00:31:15,273
I'd known him way back.
When we started,
560
00:31:15,273 --> 00:31:18,309
He had other names like--
You know, he started off with
561
00:31:18,309 --> 00:31:21,345
"Toasty toast,"
And "smelly stank."
562
00:31:21,346 --> 00:31:23,948
And then we worked it up
To "flavor flav."
563
00:31:23,948 --> 00:31:26,984
And i love you, baby.
You picked the right name. We goin' big now.
564
00:31:26,985 --> 00:31:30,021
People want to always know
About flavor flav's teeth.
565
00:31:30,021 --> 00:31:31,322
let me tell you,
566
00:31:31,322 --> 00:31:33,490
If you ate the type
Of pussy flav ate,
567
00:31:33,491 --> 00:31:36,093
You would want metal
In your mouth too.
568
00:31:42,600 --> 00:31:43,901
Flav gets
A whole lot of pussy
569
00:31:43,902 --> 00:31:46,504
And because of that,
He got a whole lot of kids.
570
00:31:46,504 --> 00:31:47,805
I know all his kids.
571
00:31:47,805 --> 00:31:49,973
Flavor flav got so many
Kids at his house,
572
00:31:49,974 --> 00:31:51,275
So many damn birthdays,
573
00:31:51,276 --> 00:31:54,312
Chuck e. Cheese just said,
"Fuck it" and moved in.
574
00:31:57,348 --> 00:31:59,083
"Flavor of love" girls
Are here tonight.
575
00:31:59,083 --> 00:32:02,119
Crowd: whoo!
576
00:32:02,120 --> 00:32:05,156
ice t:
I was in hollywood when they were doing the casting call.
577
00:32:05,156 --> 00:32:07,324
They just had one question,
And it said
578
00:32:07,325 --> 00:32:13,397
"Would you be willing to eat
A bowl of shit to be on tv?"
579
00:32:13,398 --> 00:32:16,000
And the ones
That said yes made it to the "flavor of love."
580
00:32:18,603 --> 00:32:22,073
Flav is pretty smart
And gives all the girls nicknames on the show.
581
00:32:22,073 --> 00:32:24,675
That way their testimony
Won't stand up in court.
582
00:32:26,844 --> 00:32:29,012
but i gotta say
On the strength of the love
583
00:32:29,013 --> 00:32:30,748
That i got for you,
Flavor flav,
584
00:32:30,748 --> 00:32:34,218
You are one of my
True friends in hip-hop. Snoop too.
585
00:32:34,218 --> 00:32:36,820
And that means a lot, you dig?
And i love you, man,
586
00:32:36,821 --> 00:32:39,857
From the bottom of my
Motherfucking heart, man. That's what's up.
587
00:32:39,857 --> 00:32:41,158
( hip-hop music playing )
588
00:32:48,967 --> 00:32:51,569
( Giggling )
Uh-oh.
589
00:32:51,970 --> 00:32:54,138
The only guy
Less talented
590
00:32:54,138 --> 00:32:56,306
Than the next man
On our roster
591
00:32:56,307 --> 00:32:59,343
Are the 20 guys
Who writes his jokes.
592
00:32:59,344 --> 00:33:01,079
I don't want to say
He's desperate for material,
593
00:33:01,079 --> 00:33:07,585
But flav told him
9-1-1 was a joke and he tried to buy it.
594
00:33:07,585 --> 00:33:10,621
America's oldest,
Living comedian--
595
00:33:10,621 --> 00:33:13,223
Jeff motherfucking ross.
596
00:33:13,224 --> 00:33:15,826
( hip-hop music playing )
597
00:33:19,297 --> 00:33:20,598
All right!
598
00:33:20,598 --> 00:33:22,333
Yeah!
599
00:33:22,767 --> 00:33:25,803
Keep it going
For your host, d.L. Ugly.
600
00:33:28,406 --> 00:33:31,876
Wow, it's like
A crip bar mitzvah up in here.
601
00:33:34,912 --> 00:33:37,080
How hard did comedy
Central have to look
602
00:33:37,081 --> 00:33:40,117
To find somebody more hideous
Than flav to host his show?
603
00:33:40,985 --> 00:33:44,021
all: aw...
604
00:33:44,022 --> 00:33:47,058
ross:
It's like a telethon for black leprechauns.
605
00:33:48,793 --> 00:33:51,395
Any minute i'm gonna get
A shot in the knee.
606
00:33:54,866 --> 00:33:56,167
Couldn't they cough up
Another 30 bucks
607
00:33:56,167 --> 00:33:58,335
And get bushwick bill
Up in this motherfucker?
608
00:34:00,938 --> 00:34:04,408
But seriously,
Katt, where are you? Where the fuck is he?
609
00:34:08,746 --> 00:34:11,348
He's fuckin' hiding!
610
00:34:11,349 --> 00:34:13,951
- man: he's right here.
- Where?
611
00:34:13,951 --> 00:34:16,119
He's hiding
In the fucking cup?
612
00:34:18,289 --> 00:34:20,457
Oh, here he is.
Look at him.
613
00:34:20,458 --> 00:34:22,626
snoop dogg
And "ratatouille" had a baby.
614
00:34:27,398 --> 00:34:29,133
What are you
Laughing at, flav?
615
00:34:29,133 --> 00:34:30,868
You look like
Whoopi goldberg and gollum
616
00:34:30,868 --> 00:34:32,603
From "lord of the rings"...
617
00:34:33,905 --> 00:34:35,640
Had an abortion.
618
00:34:37,809 --> 00:34:39,544
this is impossible.
619
00:34:39,544 --> 00:34:44,749
How do you embarrass
A crackhead who wears a viking helmet?
620
00:34:44,749 --> 00:34:49,954
How do we roast charcoal?
621
00:34:49,954 --> 00:34:52,990
Starving children
Send you 50¢ a day.
622
00:34:58,629 --> 00:35:00,797
And look, i don't watch
Your show "flavor of love."
623
00:35:00,798 --> 00:35:02,533
It's not my thing,
You know.
624
00:35:02,533 --> 00:35:04,268
If i want to see a midget
Bang a bunch of hookers,
625
00:35:04,268 --> 00:35:07,304
I'll go to a party
At jeremy piven's house.
626
00:35:12,510 --> 00:35:14,678
Flav, when white people
Watch your show
627
00:35:14,679 --> 00:35:16,847
They say
"That guy's hilarious."
628
00:35:16,848 --> 00:35:19,016
When black people
Watch your show they say,
629
00:35:19,016 --> 00:35:23,353
"I hope no white people are
Watching this right now."
630
00:35:23,354 --> 00:35:27,691
Let's face it, flav,
You set african-americans back 20 years.
631
00:35:27,692 --> 00:35:31,162
And you sent viking-americans
Back 850 years.
632
00:35:34,632 --> 00:35:36,800
But i've gotta
Give it up to you, flav.
633
00:35:36,801 --> 00:35:40,704
You are a ladies' man.
Much respect in that department.
634
00:35:40,705 --> 00:35:43,741
Flav has probably fucked
More hot black pussy than
635
00:35:43,741 --> 00:35:47,211
Robert de niro and
Thomas jefferson combined.
636
00:35:47,211 --> 00:35:50,681
( crowd groans )
- ( Man claps )
637
00:35:50,681 --> 00:35:53,717
Is thomas jefferson here?
638
00:35:53,718 --> 00:35:55,019
Well then, fuck him.
639
00:35:57,188 --> 00:35:58,923
All the "flavor of love"
Girls--
640
00:35:58,923 --> 00:36:02,393
Give it up for the hot ghetto
Mess up in here tonight.
641
00:36:02,393 --> 00:36:04,128
yeah.
642
00:36:04,128 --> 00:36:06,296
Delicious, safari,
643
00:36:06,297 --> 00:36:09,333
The lovely lady
Who crapped on the rug.
644
00:36:11,068 --> 00:36:12,803
Flav was confused by that.
645
00:36:12,803 --> 00:36:15,839
He thought she was
Giving birth to his child.
646
00:36:21,045 --> 00:36:25,382
Look at all these
Gold-teeth diggers.
647
00:36:25,816 --> 00:36:28,852
He went from chuck d
To hep c.
648
00:36:31,889 --> 00:36:34,491
Ladies, it's time
To start thinking positive--
649
00:36:34,492 --> 00:36:36,660
H-i-v - positive.
650
00:36:39,697 --> 00:36:41,432
Let's face it, there were
Enough yeast infections
651
00:36:41,432 --> 00:36:43,600
In that house
To open a pinkberry.
652
00:36:47,939 --> 00:36:51,409
Yeah, i'm in it
To win it, motherfuckers.
653
00:36:57,481 --> 00:37:00,517
I gotta tell you, flav,
Back in the day
654
00:37:00,518 --> 00:37:02,686
I was the world's biggest
Public enemy fan.
655
00:37:02,687 --> 00:37:03,988
Me and my pals
Would cruise around
656
00:37:04,422 --> 00:37:06,157
Listening to your music,
You know?
657
00:37:06,157 --> 00:37:09,193
"Freedom of speech
Is freedom of death," right?
658
00:37:09,193 --> 00:37:10,928
"We gotta fight
The powers that be."
659
00:37:10,928 --> 00:37:12,663
That was awesome,
Now look at you.
660
00:37:12,663 --> 00:37:15,699
You sold out quicker
Than the iphone.
661
00:37:18,736 --> 00:37:20,471
But seriously, flav,
662
00:37:20,471 --> 00:37:22,206
You're like family to me.
663
00:37:22,206 --> 00:37:23,941
You remind me
Of my uncle--
664
00:37:23,941 --> 00:37:25,242
My uncle tom.
665
00:37:25,243 --> 00:37:27,411
( audience groans )
666
00:37:28,279 --> 00:37:30,014
Aw, come on!
667
00:37:30,014 --> 00:37:32,182
In these sensitive times,
668
00:37:32,183 --> 00:37:34,351
I'm not gonna
Do racial humor.
669
00:37:34,352 --> 00:37:35,653
Besides, the fact
That flav is black
670
00:37:35,653 --> 00:37:39,556
Is like the fifth thing
That's wrong with him.
671
00:37:43,894 --> 00:37:45,195
Come on!
672
00:37:45,196 --> 00:37:48,232
We all know flav loves
Sticking it to the white man.
673
00:37:48,232 --> 00:37:50,400
And that white man
Is brigitte nielsen.
674
00:37:52,136 --> 00:37:54,304
Take a bow, babe.
Take a bow.
675
00:37:54,305 --> 00:37:56,473
Thank you.
676
00:37:56,474 --> 00:38:01,245
I think we all know
Who wore the condom in that relationship...
677
00:38:01,245 --> 00:38:03,847
Nobody.
678
00:38:03,848 --> 00:38:07,751
I'd rather fuck
Leslie nielsen.
679
00:38:14,258 --> 00:38:15,993
But this was fun.
680
00:38:16,427 --> 00:38:18,162
They got me seated over
Here next to my friends
681
00:38:18,162 --> 00:38:21,198
Jimmy kimmel
And kathy griffin.
682
00:38:29,874 --> 00:38:32,910
Carrot top, you're busting
Out of your clothes.
683
00:38:32,910 --> 00:38:37,681
You're like
The incredible hack.
684
00:38:37,682 --> 00:38:45,056
Jeez, you're more ripped
Than lisa lampanelli's pussy!
685
00:38:45,056 --> 00:38:49,393
After last year's roast,
I wanted to slap lisa for all the shit she said about me.
686
00:38:49,393 --> 00:38:52,429
Then i remembered
Dogfighting is illegal.
687
00:38:54,598 --> 00:38:56,766
Sure, lisa's
Lost a lot of weight.
688
00:38:56,767 --> 00:38:58,935
That just means
One less colt 45
689
00:38:58,936 --> 00:39:02,839
One of these motherfuckers
Has to drink before they fuck her tonight.
690
00:39:11,515 --> 00:39:13,250
Ice, you look
Fucking nervous.
691
00:39:14,552 --> 00:39:16,287
i'm not gonna make
Fun of you, ice t,
692
00:39:16,287 --> 00:39:18,455
And your beautiful
Wife, coco.
693
00:39:18,456 --> 00:39:20,191
How's your son,
Vanilla latte?
694
00:39:24,962 --> 00:39:27,564
hi, coco.
You look great, beautiful.
695
00:39:27,565 --> 00:39:29,733
But tonight, flav,
It's all about you,
696
00:39:29,734 --> 00:39:31,469
Your amazing career,
697
00:39:31,469 --> 00:39:33,637
Your five gold records,
698
00:39:33,637 --> 00:39:35,372
Your three reality shows,
699
00:39:35,373 --> 00:39:39,276
Your two bronze medals
From the special olympics.
700
00:39:41,011 --> 00:39:42,746
Anyway, it's been fun.
701
00:39:42,747 --> 00:39:44,482
It's all for a good cause--
702
00:39:44,482 --> 00:39:45,783
Child support.
703
00:39:45,783 --> 00:39:47,951
feed the children!
L'chaim!
704
00:39:47,952 --> 00:39:50,120
I love you!
Flavor flav!
705
00:39:50,121 --> 00:39:52,723
- you're a fucking
Awesome dude, buddy. - ( Cheering )
706
00:39:52,723 --> 00:39:54,458
( hip-hop music playing )
707
00:39:54,458 --> 00:39:56,393
Thank you, brother.
708
00:39:56,394 --> 00:39:58,996
flav:
Coming up, brigitte nielsen!
709
00:39:58,996 --> 00:40:01,164
I don't think he knows
What he's in for.
710
00:40:01,165 --> 00:40:02,032
flav:
Carrot top!
711
00:40:02,032 --> 00:40:04,634
I was gonna take this thing,
Make into a pot leaf.
712
00:40:04,635 --> 00:40:06,370
This is a microphone
That had a bong on it.
713
00:40:06,370 --> 00:40:08,972
- The curtains on
Snoop dogg's bus. - Right.
714
00:40:08,973 --> 00:40:11,575
♪ I'm snoop dogg,
I love to misbehave ♪
715
00:40:11,575 --> 00:40:13,743
♪ I'm in this motherfucker
Rockin' for my homeboy flav ♪
716
00:40:13,744 --> 00:40:16,346
♪ I got the pimp cup
'Cause this pimp's up ♪
717
00:40:16,347 --> 00:40:18,949
♪ And his ho's down,
You know the dogg pound ♪
718
00:40:18,949 --> 00:40:21,551
♪ The snoopy d odeur,
I get plenty of love ♪
719
00:40:21,552 --> 00:40:24,154
♪ I'm rockin' this motherfucker
Like i'm up in the club ♪
720
00:40:24,155 --> 00:40:26,323
♪ But i'm standin' tall,
I'm up against the wall ♪
721
00:40:26,757 --> 00:40:28,925
♪ It's your baby rapper,
Bitch, snoop dogg ♪
722
00:40:28,926 --> 00:40:31,528
♪ Comedy central, y'all,
With flavor flav, yo ♪
723
00:40:31,529 --> 00:40:34,565
♪ Snoop dogg and i hold it down,
I love the roast. ♪
724
00:40:34,565 --> 00:40:37,601
( hip-hop music playing )
- ( Crowd cheering )
725
00:40:40,471 --> 00:40:43,941
Our next roaster, a lot of
People have said some pretty bad things about him.
726
00:40:43,941 --> 00:40:47,844
But as a student of comedy,
I find him to be "a" class.
727
00:40:47,845 --> 00:40:50,881
i salute carrot top
For his gumption,
728
00:40:50,881 --> 00:40:53,049
Being willing to
Show ellen degeneres and rosie o'donnell
729
00:40:53,050 --> 00:40:56,520
What a real butch lesbian
Is supposed to look like.
730
00:40:56,520 --> 00:40:59,556
Ladies and gentlemen,
Will you please give it up for carrot top.
731
00:40:59,557 --> 00:41:03,460
( rap music playing )
732
00:41:05,196 --> 00:41:07,364
You know what?
Fuck all you people over here.
733
00:41:07,364 --> 00:41:10,400
What the fuck did
I do to anybody here except show up?
734
00:41:10,401 --> 00:41:12,136
Good to see--
I got notes here, don't i?
735
00:41:12,136 --> 00:41:15,172
Yeah, i got some jokes.
These are gonna go great.
736
00:41:15,172 --> 00:41:16,473
By the way,
I'm not actually here for the roast.
737
00:41:16,907 --> 00:41:18,642
I'm here to get
My bike back.
738
00:41:20,377 --> 00:41:22,112
Look at this-- we got snoop,
We got flav,
739
00:41:22,112 --> 00:41:23,847
We've got mr. T.
740
00:41:23,848 --> 00:41:27,318
there's more
Cornrows than nebraska.
741
00:41:27,318 --> 00:41:29,486
And this isn't a roast,
It's a backyard barbecue.
742
00:41:29,487 --> 00:41:30,354
We should've
Brought gallagher.
743
00:41:30,354 --> 00:41:31,655
He could've brought
A fucking watermelon.
744
00:41:31,655 --> 00:41:34,257
- this would've been
A great night. ( Audience moans )
745
00:41:34,258 --> 00:41:36,426
Oh, fuck you!
He used watermelon earlier.
746
00:41:36,427 --> 00:41:38,595
Fuck off!
747
00:41:38,596 --> 00:41:40,764
Last time i saw
Ice t and flav side by side
748
00:41:40,764 --> 00:41:44,234
It was in the 99¢ bin
At wal-mart.
749
00:41:45,536 --> 00:41:50,741
Ice t, your acting
Is about as believable as jimmy kimmel's hairpiece.
750
00:41:50,741 --> 00:41:53,343
and-- hey, i got one!
751
00:41:53,344 --> 00:41:55,512
Hey, this is great.
752
00:41:55,513 --> 00:41:56,814
So snoop's here tonight.
753
00:41:56,814 --> 00:41:58,982
Somebody tell him--
Tell him he's here.
754
00:42:00,718 --> 00:42:04,188
i, uh...
755
00:42:04,188 --> 00:42:07,224
( Chuckles )
I wish i was as fucked up as him right now.
756
00:42:07,224 --> 00:42:09,392
I saw your movie
"Soul plane," by the way.
757
00:42:09,393 --> 00:42:11,128
When they showed that movie
On a united flight,
758
00:42:11,128 --> 00:42:15,031
The passengers took over
The plane and crashed it into the ground.
759
00:42:15,900 --> 00:42:17,635
( chuckles )
760
00:42:18,068 --> 00:42:19,803
Snoop's got the munchies
So bad right now,
761
00:42:19,803 --> 00:42:21,538
He'd eat
Lisa lampanelli's pussy.
762
00:42:21,539 --> 00:42:24,141
- that's exactly how--
- ( Crowd screeches )
763
00:42:24,141 --> 00:42:27,177
But i actually like lisa.
No, i like lisa lampanelli.
764
00:42:27,177 --> 00:42:29,779
She's the only comic
That drags a bigger box on stage than i do.
765
00:42:29,780 --> 00:42:31,081
I like that.
766
00:42:32,383 --> 00:42:35,419
Brigitte...
It's nice to see brigitte nielsen here.
767
00:42:35,419 --> 00:42:37,154
You know, you had sex
With flavor flav.
768
00:42:37,154 --> 00:42:39,322
How did you go from fucking
Rocky to fucking bullwinkle?
769
00:42:39,323 --> 00:42:42,793
Seriously,
How did that happen?
770
00:42:42,793 --> 00:42:44,528
I don't know.
771
00:42:44,528 --> 00:42:45,829
Brigitte's crack is so old,
772
00:42:45,829 --> 00:42:47,564
Ice t used to sell it.
773
00:42:49,733 --> 00:42:53,203
but...
774
00:42:53,203 --> 00:42:54,070
You know whenever
You do one of these shows,
775
00:42:54,505 --> 00:42:55,806
You know how they give you
Gift baskets and stuff?
776
00:42:56,240 --> 00:42:58,408
So i figured i'd go
To my little prop trunk,
777
00:42:58,409 --> 00:43:00,577
Try to find some stuff
We have here.
778
00:43:00,578 --> 00:43:02,313
This is cool.
This is, uh...
779
00:43:02,313 --> 00:43:03,614
This was just made
For you today, snoop.
780
00:43:03,614 --> 00:43:05,349
This is a snoop doggy dogg
Tour bus.
781
00:43:05,349 --> 00:43:06,650
When it's rolling
Down the road,
782
00:43:06,650 --> 00:43:09,252
Somehow, the smoke
Comes out of there...
783
00:43:09,253 --> 00:43:12,289
yo, we got any
Music back there?
784
00:43:13,591 --> 00:43:16,193
And you keep getting busted for
Smoking dope, i made a bong that's got mirrors on it.
785
00:43:16,627 --> 00:43:18,362
See, that way you can kinda
Keep an eye on the cops.
786
00:43:19,663 --> 00:43:21,398
That way...
787
00:43:21,398 --> 00:43:23,133
keep an eye on it.
788
00:43:26,170 --> 00:43:28,338
I should've started
With the fucking props.
789
00:43:28,339 --> 00:43:29,640
God damn it.
790
00:43:29,640 --> 00:43:30,941
And this is actually
Your new clock.
791
00:43:30,941 --> 00:43:32,242
You're getting old, dude.
792
00:43:32,242 --> 00:43:34,844
I made a little grandfather
Clock for you to wear around your--
793
00:43:34,845 --> 00:43:38,315
You're getting up there.
794
00:43:38,315 --> 00:43:40,050
i mean that in a good way.
795
00:43:43,087 --> 00:43:45,689
Oh, i got the official
Jimmy kimmel cell phone too.
796
00:43:45,689 --> 00:43:48,291
It's got really bad reception.
Hold on a second.
797
00:43:48,292 --> 00:43:51,328
Is anyone watching now?
Is anyone watching now?
798
00:43:51,328 --> 00:43:54,364
anybody watching now?
799
00:43:54,365 --> 00:43:56,533
It's okay.
Patton oswalt here tonight.
800
00:43:56,967 --> 00:43:58,268
you were in that
Movie "ratatouille,"
801
00:43:58,268 --> 00:44:00,003
So i made you this
Little dumpster.
802
00:44:00,004 --> 00:44:00,871
It's kinda cute--
Little dumpster.
803
00:44:01,305 --> 00:44:04,341
It's filled with
Jeff ross's jokes, actually.
804
00:44:04,341 --> 00:44:07,811
Actually, flavor flav, you used
To live in this about two years ago, didn't you?
805
00:44:07,811 --> 00:44:09,979
And there's some
Of lisa lampanelli's abortions
806
00:44:09,980 --> 00:44:12,148
Right there
In the bottom of it.
807
00:44:14,752 --> 00:44:16,920
Oh, this is flavor flav's
First video.
808
00:44:16,920 --> 00:44:18,221
Right before you
Joined public enemy.
809
00:44:18,222 --> 00:44:19,957
I think it's you
Robbing a 7-eleven.
810
00:44:19,957 --> 00:44:22,559
I'm not quite sure.
811
00:44:22,559 --> 00:44:24,727
He's all, "give me
The money, bitch."
812
00:44:26,463 --> 00:44:28,198
Hey, flav,
You have what, eight kids?
813
00:44:28,198 --> 00:44:29,065
Seven, eight?
814
00:44:29,066 --> 00:44:31,668
That-- these you don't
Even know about.
815
00:44:31,669 --> 00:44:34,705
Right here, these are the ones
You don't even fucking know about.
816
00:44:35,139 --> 00:44:37,741
Give it up for flavor flav.
Flavor flaaaav!
817
00:44:37,741 --> 00:44:39,042
( cheering )
818
00:44:39,476 --> 00:44:40,777
( hip-hop music playing )
819
00:44:40,778 --> 00:44:42,079
I made you a clock.
820
00:44:42,079 --> 00:44:44,681
There you go.
It's got 15 minutes on it right here.
821
00:44:44,682 --> 00:44:46,850
That's your new clock.
You can put it on there.
822
00:44:46,850 --> 00:44:48,151
Love you, brother.
Have a good night.
823
00:44:48,152 --> 00:44:50,020
I love you too, man.
824
00:44:50,020 --> 00:44:52,188
Carrot top, y'all!
825
00:44:55,659 --> 00:44:56,960
Williams:
With our next roaster...
826
00:44:56,960 --> 00:45:00,863
Drafted into
The boston celtics in 1978,
827
00:45:00,864 --> 00:45:06,936
Played power-forward for 13
Seasons and retired due to back problems in--
828
00:45:06,937 --> 00:45:08,672
Oh shit, that's not larry bird.
That's a big ho.
829
00:45:08,672 --> 00:45:10,407
Ladies and gentlemen,
Brigitte nielsen!
830
00:45:10,407 --> 00:45:12,575
make some noise for her!
- ( Rock music playing )
831
00:45:22,986 --> 00:45:24,721
Hi, everybody,
How are you?
832
00:45:24,722 --> 00:45:27,758
( Cheering )
833
00:45:27,758 --> 00:45:29,059
I think this is
A great evening.
834
00:45:29,059 --> 00:45:30,794
It's totally amazing.
835
00:45:30,794 --> 00:45:35,565
i would like to repeat
That i very happy that i'm out of rehab.
836
00:45:35,566 --> 00:45:39,469
I can see you guys clearly,
I hear you clearly
837
00:45:39,470 --> 00:45:42,940
- and you are magic!
- ( Cheering )
838
00:45:42,940 --> 00:45:45,108
However, over here,
839
00:45:45,109 --> 00:45:48,579
You guys besides lisa
And obviously foofy-foofy,
840
00:45:48,579 --> 00:45:52,049
You are a bunch
Of motherfuckers, okay?
841
00:45:52,049 --> 00:45:55,085
Anyway...
Well, actually,
842
00:45:55,085 --> 00:45:56,820
I may take
My words back.
843
00:45:56,820 --> 00:45:58,988
You know, i'm glad
Jimmy kimmel is here
844
00:45:58,989 --> 00:46:01,157
Because i was afraid i was
Gonna be the only person
845
00:46:01,158 --> 00:46:03,760
That's not a comedian.
846
00:46:03,761 --> 00:46:05,062
but you know...
847
00:46:05,062 --> 00:46:06,363
- ( cheering )
- Thank you.
848
00:46:06,363 --> 00:46:08,531
I'm here to set
The record straight
849
00:46:08,532 --> 00:46:10,267
Between i, myself,
850
00:46:10,267 --> 00:46:12,002
And flav.
851
00:46:12,002 --> 00:46:14,604
I mean, people
Ask me all the time,
852
00:46:14,605 --> 00:46:18,075
"Did you actually
Find flav attractive?"
853
00:46:18,075 --> 00:46:19,810
Hmm, i wouldn't know.
854
00:46:19,810 --> 00:46:21,978
I've only seen
The top of his head.
855
00:46:23,280 --> 00:46:25,015
But you know, um--
Ha ha, thank you.
856
00:46:25,015 --> 00:46:27,617
When we were dating,
You know,
857
00:46:27,618 --> 00:46:29,353
I start calling
Him foofy-foofy,
858
00:46:29,353 --> 00:46:31,521
He was calling me gitta,
859
00:46:31,522 --> 00:46:35,425
And my parents
Stopped calling me completely.
860
00:46:35,425 --> 00:46:38,027
yeah, not a good scene.
Not a good scene.
861
00:46:38,028 --> 00:46:40,630
Well, actually,
I should say flav has done something for me
862
00:46:41,064 --> 00:46:43,232
That sylvester stallone
Never did...
863
00:46:44,101 --> 00:46:46,703
He stole my car.
864
00:46:46,703 --> 00:46:48,004
Yeah yeah.
865
00:46:48,005 --> 00:46:50,173
You may have
Heard that thing
866
00:46:50,174 --> 00:46:54,511
That black guys got these,
Like, big penises.
867
00:46:54,511 --> 00:46:57,113
Uh-huh?
Don't believe that hype.
868
00:46:57,114 --> 00:46:59,282
Uh-huh.
All right.
869
00:46:59,283 --> 00:47:01,451
Okay, because
I tell you something:
870
00:47:01,451 --> 00:47:03,186
You better
Listen up here, okay?
871
00:47:03,187 --> 00:47:05,355
Because flav's penis,
All right,
872
00:47:05,355 --> 00:47:08,391
Is tiny, it's black,
873
00:47:08,392 --> 00:47:10,994
It's cute.
It's like katt williams,
874
00:47:10,994 --> 00:47:12,729
But even funnier,
You know?
875
00:47:12,729 --> 00:47:14,464
Something like that,
Yeah.
876
00:47:14,464 --> 00:47:16,199
( brigitte laughing )
877
00:47:16,200 --> 00:47:18,802
Do you know how
Disturbing it is
878
00:47:18,802 --> 00:47:24,007
To have a man yell
"Yeah, boyeeee" during sex?
879
00:47:24,441 --> 00:47:26,609
Oh! I kept
Telling him...
880
00:47:26,610 --> 00:47:28,778
- Yeah, boy!
- ...Foofy-foofy,
881
00:47:28,779 --> 00:47:30,514
You're not in jail anymore.
882
00:47:30,514 --> 00:47:32,682
Whoo!
883
00:47:32,683 --> 00:47:34,418
Right, honey?
884
00:47:34,418 --> 00:47:38,321
Flavor, he's a romantic
Guy, too.
885
00:47:38,322 --> 00:47:40,057
So he actually
Proposed to me.
886
00:47:40,057 --> 00:47:43,093
He gave me a huge rock.
887
00:47:43,093 --> 00:47:44,828
And then he smoked it.
888
00:47:44,828 --> 00:47:46,563
Yeah, not good,
Not good.
889
00:47:48,298 --> 00:47:50,033
And of course,
You all know,
890
00:47:50,033 --> 00:47:53,936
I broke foofy's heart
When i rejected him.
891
00:47:53,937 --> 00:47:56,539
But he just doesn't know
What a lucky man he is
892
00:47:56,540 --> 00:47:59,142
Because this is
Not only about love.
893
00:47:59,576 --> 00:48:01,744
I gave him fame!
894
00:48:01,745 --> 00:48:03,046
Mm-hmm.
895
00:48:03,046 --> 00:48:06,516
- woman: yeah girl!
- And i got him a show!
896
00:48:06,516 --> 00:48:09,118
Yeah! Uh-huh!
897
00:48:09,119 --> 00:48:11,287
But i'm a nice big mama.
898
00:48:11,288 --> 00:48:15,191
I got all his little
Prostitutes a show too.
899
00:48:15,192 --> 00:48:16,493
Yeah.
900
00:48:16,493 --> 00:48:20,396
You're welcome, ladies.
You're welcome.
901
00:48:20,397 --> 00:48:22,999
thank you.
902
00:48:23,000 --> 00:48:25,602
Anyway, um...
903
00:48:25,602 --> 00:48:28,204
So, flav...
904
00:48:28,205 --> 00:48:32,542
Foofy-foofy,
William drayton, mr. F.,
905
00:48:32,542 --> 00:48:33,843
You are my soulmate.
906
00:48:33,844 --> 00:48:36,880
You remember when
We said that we were always gonna be soulmates?
907
00:48:36,880 --> 00:48:38,615
I hope it's gonna
Be like that forever.
908
00:48:39,049 --> 00:48:41,651
I don't care what you
Guys fucking think, okay?
909
00:48:41,652 --> 00:48:43,820
I love you.
And i love you too.
910
00:48:43,820 --> 00:48:45,988
Thank you so very much.
911
00:48:45,989 --> 00:48:48,157
( hip-hop music playing )
912
00:48:50,494 --> 00:48:53,096
Flav:
Up next, lisa lampanelli!
913
00:48:53,096 --> 00:48:54,831
I should start shootin' smack
After this night.
914
00:48:54,831 --> 00:48:56,566
flav:
Snoop dogg!
915
00:48:56,566 --> 00:48:57,867
Patton oswalt!
916
00:48:57,868 --> 00:48:59,603
I haven't seen snoop dogg--
917
00:48:59,603 --> 00:49:03,506
I put a knife in his ribs
Back in '89 and i feel terrible about it.
918
00:49:03,507 --> 00:49:04,374
But we're beyond it now
919
00:49:04,374 --> 00:49:06,542
And we can get together
And laugh and love.
920
00:49:10,280 --> 00:49:12,015
All right.
921
00:49:12,015 --> 00:49:17,220
This next roaster is the voice
Of the animated character "ratatouille"
922
00:49:17,220 --> 00:49:20,690
And the star
Of the upcoming movie "the 40-year-old toddler,"
923
00:49:21,124 --> 00:49:21,991
Patton oswalt.
924
00:49:21,992 --> 00:49:23,727
Please give it up for him,
Ladies and gentlemen.
925
00:49:24,161 --> 00:49:26,763
( reggae music playing )
926
00:49:31,101 --> 00:49:33,703
Oh my god.
927
00:49:33,704 --> 00:49:35,872
Thank you,
Pimp-in-a-thimble.
928
00:49:35,872 --> 00:49:38,474
ummm...
929
00:49:38,475 --> 00:49:41,945
♪ Tiny little pimp
In the thimble ♪
930
00:49:41,945 --> 00:49:46,282
♪ Smacking his bitches
With a daffodil stem. ♪
931
00:49:46,283 --> 00:49:48,018
Mmm.
932
00:49:48,452 --> 00:49:50,620
Oh my god.
933
00:49:50,620 --> 00:49:54,523
We are here
Roasting flavor flav.
934
00:49:54,524 --> 00:49:55,391
you had your own show
935
00:49:55,392 --> 00:49:57,560
The "flavor of love,"
936
00:49:57,561 --> 00:49:59,729
Which i didn't-- i didn't
Know syphilis had a flavor.
937
00:49:59,730 --> 00:50:03,200
I had no idea.
That was so odd.
938
00:50:03,200 --> 00:50:05,368
And by the way, i don't
Want to say that the--
939
00:50:05,369 --> 00:50:07,537
The girls on that show
Were skanky,
940
00:50:07,537 --> 00:50:09,705
But there were times
I would watch and i would say
941
00:50:09,706 --> 00:50:11,007
Is this
The "flavor of love"
942
00:50:11,008 --> 00:50:12,743
Or "the island
Of dr. Moreau"?
943
00:50:12,743 --> 00:50:14,911
That is how fucked up--
944
00:50:14,911 --> 00:50:20,549
Yes, an h.G. Wells reference
At the flavor flav roast, ladies and gentlemen.
945
00:50:20,550 --> 00:50:22,285
yes!
946
00:50:22,285 --> 00:50:24,020
( Grunts )
947
00:50:25,322 --> 00:50:27,057
Oh my god, ron jeremy
Is in the audience,
948
00:50:27,057 --> 00:50:31,394
But his cock
Is on the dais. So that's...
949
00:50:31,395 --> 00:50:34,431
Check out the dais.
There's katt williams, ice t,
950
00:50:34,431 --> 00:50:36,599
We've got ron jeremy
In the audience--
951
00:50:36,600 --> 00:50:38,768
Who is fucking skanks
Right now?
952
00:50:40,504 --> 00:50:42,672
Bill maher
Must be exhausted.
953
00:50:42,672 --> 00:50:44,840
( Applauding )
954
00:50:50,047 --> 00:50:52,215
By the way, chuck d
Wanted to be here tonight,
955
00:50:52,215 --> 00:50:55,251
But the "d"
Stands for dignity.
956
00:51:00,891 --> 00:51:03,059
Flavor flav--
A black man in a viking helmet.
957
00:51:03,060 --> 00:51:07,397
Even carrot top
Wouldn't stick those two things together.
958
00:51:07,397 --> 00:51:10,867
Carrot top is here
Because he heard we were giving props to flavor flav.
959
00:51:10,867 --> 00:51:14,337
So he wanted
To make sure...
960
00:51:14,337 --> 00:51:16,939
yes, ladies and gentlemen,
It's a prop joke.
961
00:51:16,940 --> 00:51:18,241
Carrot top, stand--
Look at you.
962
00:51:18,241 --> 00:51:19,976
You look magnificent.
Stand up.
963
00:51:19,976 --> 00:51:22,144
Look, you're
In amazing shape, dude.
964
00:51:22,145 --> 00:51:23,880
you're all buff and cut.
965
00:51:23,880 --> 00:51:25,181
i can't believe
All those years
966
00:51:25,182 --> 00:51:26,917
I could've been
Doing push-ups,
967
00:51:26,917 --> 00:51:29,519
I wasted my time
Eating delicious food and writing jokes.
968
00:51:29,519 --> 00:51:31,254
It's ridiculous.
969
00:51:31,254 --> 00:51:33,856
All that time.
970
00:51:36,893 --> 00:51:38,194
Do you make
Those props yourself
971
00:51:38,195 --> 00:51:41,231
Or does like a workshop
Of unfunny elves make those?
972
00:51:41,231 --> 00:51:46,436
Is that how that works?
I don't know...
973
00:51:46,436 --> 00:51:48,604
Jimmy kimmel
Of course is here,
974
00:51:48,605 --> 00:51:50,773
Or as the black people
Call him-- "kimble."
975
00:51:56,413 --> 00:51:58,148
( Oswalt groans )
976
00:51:58,148 --> 00:52:01,184
This--
I mean, look, ice t, katt williams, snoop--
977
00:52:01,618 --> 00:52:05,955
Lisa lampanelli just soaked
That couch, by the way, so...
978
00:52:05,956 --> 00:52:07,257
By the way,
You are looking great.
979
00:52:07,691 --> 00:52:08,992
Your tits now
Look like my ass.
980
00:52:08,992 --> 00:52:13,329
It's actually--
It's very nice.
981
00:52:13,330 --> 00:52:15,065
There's all these
Giant women here tonight.
982
00:52:15,065 --> 00:52:17,233
Lisa lampanelli
And brigitte nielsen
983
00:52:17,234 --> 00:52:18,969
And chyna is here.
Chyna.
984
00:52:18,969 --> 00:52:21,137
And i-- i hate--
I don't wanna--
985
00:52:21,138 --> 00:52:23,306
I don't want to get
Romantic and soppy,
986
00:52:23,740 --> 00:52:28,077
But i would love
To crawl inside you like a tauntaun carcass.
987
00:52:30,680 --> 00:52:33,282
Uh, flav...
988
00:52:33,283 --> 00:52:35,885
You are truly
A pioneer, though. You really are.
989
00:52:35,886 --> 00:52:38,054
You went from saying
"Fuck the white man"
990
00:52:38,054 --> 00:52:41,090
To "i'm gonna fuck
A white man."
991
00:52:41,091 --> 00:52:42,826
And you went head first
992
00:52:42,826 --> 00:52:45,428
Into brigitte nielsen's
Pussy!
993
00:52:45,428 --> 00:52:48,898
Where they filmed
"The descent," ladies and gentlemen.
994
00:52:48,899 --> 00:52:51,501
and you went in fearlessly
995
00:52:51,501 --> 00:52:53,669
Into that yawning
Hell-cavern
996
00:52:53,670 --> 00:52:55,405
Full of stalactites
997
00:52:55,405 --> 00:52:58,875
And devil bats.
998
00:52:58,875 --> 00:53:01,477
That huge...
999
00:53:01,478 --> 00:53:04,080
Death snatch
That's claimed the careers
1000
00:53:04,514 --> 00:53:07,550
Of sly stallone
And dolph lundgren,
1001
00:53:07,984 --> 00:53:13,189
And last week,
The entire cast of "the west wing."
1002
00:53:13,190 --> 00:53:17,093
10 men enter,
One man leaves.
1003
00:53:17,093 --> 00:53:18,828
And that man...
1004
00:53:18,828 --> 00:53:23,165
Was flavor flav!
Give it up for him, ladies and gentlemen!
1005
00:53:23,166 --> 00:53:24,467
( cheering )
1006
00:53:24,467 --> 00:53:27,503
( hip-hop music playing )
1007
00:53:27,504 --> 00:53:30,974
Flav:
Coming up, snoop dogg and lisa lampanelli!
1008
00:53:30,974 --> 00:53:32,275
- Hi.
- How you doing?
1009
00:53:32,275 --> 00:53:34,010
- Lisa lampanelli.
- What's up, lisa? How you doing sweetie?
1010
00:53:34,010 --> 00:53:36,612
- I'm a huge fan.
- Pleasure, baby.
1011
00:53:37,480 --> 00:53:39,215
Forget that bitch.
1012
00:53:40,517 --> 00:53:42,252
williams: yes.
1013
00:53:42,252 --> 00:53:45,722
Ladies and gentlemen,
This next roaster's marijuana isn't medical grade,
1014
00:53:45,722 --> 00:53:47,890
It's weapons grade.
1015
00:53:47,891 --> 00:53:50,493
Let's get him to the podium
So he can exhale.
1016
00:53:50,493 --> 00:53:53,095
Ladies and gentlemen,
The eighth wonder of the known world,
1017
00:53:53,096 --> 00:53:56,999
Snoop d-o-double-g!
1018
00:53:57,000 --> 00:53:59,168
( hip-hop music playing )
- ( Cheering )
1019
00:54:15,218 --> 00:54:17,386
Yeah.
1020
00:54:17,387 --> 00:54:24,761
On some real shit,
I'm fucked up right now.
1021
00:54:24,761 --> 00:54:26,929
On the real though,
Tonight has been real hilarious,
1022
00:54:26,930 --> 00:54:29,966
- You know what i'm saying?
Y'all wanna hear a joke? - All: yeah!
1023
00:54:29,966 --> 00:54:32,568
- knock knock.
- All: who's there?
1024
00:54:32,569 --> 00:54:37,340
A nigga with a motherfucking
Gun, that's who.
1025
00:54:37,340 --> 00:54:41,677
You get it?
I got a million of 'em.
1026
00:54:41,678 --> 00:54:42,979
No, it's for real though.
1027
00:54:42,979 --> 00:54:46,449
It's about time somebody said
Some gangsta shit up in here.
1028
00:54:46,449 --> 00:54:49,485
Hey, yo,
Katt williams,
1029
00:54:49,486 --> 00:54:52,522
When did they start selling
Pimp clothes at baby gap?
1030
00:54:57,727 --> 00:55:06,402
My nigga over there
Drinking that hennessy out of that little sippy cup.
1031
00:55:06,403 --> 00:55:09,439
Hey, yo, carrot top.
1032
00:55:09,439 --> 00:55:11,607
That was some cool shit
You did with the box with the smoke and all that.
1033
00:55:11,608 --> 00:55:13,343
That was tight.
1034
00:55:13,343 --> 00:55:15,078
But when you came up here,
I was like,
1035
00:55:15,078 --> 00:55:22,452
"Who in the fuck let
The bride of chucky up in this motherfucker?"
1036
00:55:22,452 --> 00:55:24,187
Hey, jeff,
Don't laugh, my nigga.
1037
00:55:24,187 --> 00:55:26,789
You know i'm on your ass.
1038
00:55:26,790 --> 00:55:28,091
'cause you're ugly,
1039
00:55:28,091 --> 00:55:29,826
You're pushy,
You're obnoxious
1040
00:55:29,826 --> 00:55:33,729
And you're a jewish dude
That everybody hates.
1041
00:55:33,730 --> 00:55:36,766
You wanna be my lawyer?
1042
00:55:40,236 --> 00:55:42,404
y'all know jeff do these
Specials every year.
1043
00:55:42,405 --> 00:55:44,140
It's like
A holiday for him--
1044
00:55:44,140 --> 00:55:45,875
Bomb-kippur.
1045
00:55:47,177 --> 00:55:51,080
Yeah, nigga, i know
Some jew shit too.
1046
00:55:54,551 --> 00:55:58,454
Patton oswalt or osbourne,
Whatever the fuck your name is.
1047
00:55:58,455 --> 00:55:59,756
You look like
One of the osbournes.
1048
00:55:59,756 --> 00:56:03,659
You look like
Ozzy's little son, the little fat one--
1049
00:56:03,660 --> 00:56:05,395
The one that be on drugs,
Then he be off drugs,
1050
00:56:05,395 --> 00:56:07,563
Then he be on drugs,
Then he off drugs.
1051
00:56:07,564 --> 00:56:10,600
You look just like
That nigga.
1052
00:56:10,600 --> 00:56:12,335
Now, the true player
In the house tonight,
1053
00:56:12,335 --> 00:56:19,709
My homeboy, o.G., Ice t,
Original gangsta.
1054
00:56:19,709 --> 00:56:21,877
You know, ice t been
In the game so long,
1055
00:56:21,878 --> 00:56:23,613
They should just
Call him "ice age."
1056
00:56:27,083 --> 00:56:29,685
I tried to listen
To one of ice t's songs on the way up here,
1057
00:56:29,686 --> 00:56:31,421
But i didn't have
No cassette player in my car.
1058
00:56:40,530 --> 00:56:43,566
Now when i seen you earlier,
I thought you was throwing up gang signs at me.
1059
00:56:43,566 --> 00:56:45,734
But i found out
It was just your arthritis.
1060
00:56:49,639 --> 00:56:52,675
I don't know nobody else
Up there on the panel...
1061
00:56:52,675 --> 00:56:53,976
Except jimmy kimmel.
1062
00:56:53,977 --> 00:56:56,579
in the hood we call
A condom a jimmy
1063
00:56:56,579 --> 00:57:07,423
Because jimmy's a scumbag
And nobody enjoys it when he's on.
1064
00:57:07,424 --> 00:57:10,460
Now when they told me sommore
Was gonna be here tonight,
1065
00:57:10,460 --> 00:57:13,062
I thought they said
"Some whore" was gonna be here.
1066
00:57:16,099 --> 00:57:18,701
And they was right--
Lisa lampanelli.
1067
00:57:20,870 --> 00:57:26,075
Oh, lisa.
Lisa, lisa, lisa, lisa, lisa lampanelli.
1068
00:57:26,075 --> 00:57:29,111
You know, lisa came up
To me backstage, know what i'm saying, talkin' about--
1069
00:57:29,112 --> 00:57:31,280
( High-pitched voice )
"Snoop dogg, i'm one of your biggest fans.
1070
00:57:31,281 --> 00:57:33,449
Can you do your little
Snoop-talk for me?
1071
00:57:33,450 --> 00:57:36,486
The izzle-fizzle
And all that shit?"
1072
00:57:36,486 --> 00:57:39,522
And i said,
"Okay, baby, sure.
1073
00:57:39,956 --> 00:57:41,691
How's this?
1074
00:57:41,691 --> 00:57:49,498
Bitch, i wouldn't eat
Your nasty pussy for all the weed in compton.
1075
00:57:49,499 --> 00:57:52,535
Now what you need to do is get
The fuck out of my dressing room
1076
00:57:52,535 --> 00:57:54,703
Before i beat
The shit out of you with one of my shoes.
1077
00:57:54,704 --> 00:57:57,740
You stank ho...
1078
00:57:57,740 --> 00:57:59,475
Izzle."
1079
00:58:08,151 --> 00:58:11,187
It is definitely
Some beautiful ladies in the house,
1080
00:58:11,187 --> 00:58:13,789
There's definitely
Some beautiful bitches in the house,
1081
00:58:13,790 --> 00:58:16,826
And there's definitely
Some beautiful ho's.
1082
00:58:16,826 --> 00:58:20,296
Speaking of--
Speaking of ho's...
1083
00:58:20,296 --> 00:58:22,898
Brigitte nielsen.
1084
00:58:22,899 --> 00:58:27,236
I saw you and flavor flav
Taking a bath on tv...
1085
00:58:27,237 --> 00:58:31,140
But you motherfuckers
Was washed up before y'all got in that tub.
1086
00:58:32,876 --> 00:58:34,611
What does that mean?
1087
00:58:35,044 --> 00:58:37,212
You're washed up.
Like, it's over.
1088
00:58:37,213 --> 00:58:39,381
Now, flav... You know
You my nigga, flav.
1089
00:58:39,382 --> 00:58:40,683
Me and you go back
Like throwbacks.
1090
00:58:40,683 --> 00:58:42,851
I love you to death.
I wasn't even gonna do this shit at first,
1091
00:58:43,286 --> 00:58:46,756
But i was like,
"You know what? Fuck it."
1092
00:58:47,190 --> 00:58:48,925
you know?
1093
00:58:48,925 --> 00:58:51,093
Now i know you
Expect me to come up here and talk about you,
1094
00:58:51,094 --> 00:58:52,395
But i respect you
Too much, flav.
1095
00:58:52,395 --> 00:58:53,696
So instead of
Going hard on you,
1096
00:58:54,130 --> 00:58:57,600
I put a rhyme together for you
And i hope you like it, homey.
1097
00:58:57,600 --> 00:58:59,335
- ( cheering )
- ( Snoop clears throat )
1098
00:58:59,335 --> 00:59:03,238
Check it out.
One, two, three into the four,
1099
00:59:03,239 --> 00:59:05,841
Flavor sittin' on his
Brand new asshole they tore.
1100
00:59:05,842 --> 00:59:07,577
They haters got the nerve
To come up here
1101
00:59:07,577 --> 00:59:09,312
And try to diss me,
1102
00:59:09,312 --> 00:59:11,914
But i'm an original
And flav is...
1103
00:59:11,915 --> 00:59:14,517
Extra crispy.
1104
00:59:14,517 --> 00:59:17,553
He's dried out, ashy
And wishes he was taller.
1105
00:59:17,554 --> 00:59:21,024
Flav, you look like one
Of my blunts, except smaller.
1106
00:59:21,891 --> 00:59:23,626
I was talkin'
To him backstage
1107
00:59:23,626 --> 00:59:25,794
And said, "damn,
Your breath is smelly."
1108
00:59:25,795 --> 00:59:27,096
He said, "pardon me, dogg,
1109
00:59:27,530 --> 00:59:29,698
I just ate the pussy
Of lisa lampanelli."
1110
00:59:32,302 --> 00:59:35,772
Flavor must have smoked
Some indo that got laced.
1111
00:59:35,772 --> 00:59:40,109
How the fuck are you
Gonna fuck a bitch with brigitte nielsen's face?
1112
00:59:40,543 --> 00:59:42,278
So, flav,
Keep on chillin'
1113
00:59:42,278 --> 00:59:43,579
With you on
Your 8, 9...
1114
00:59:43,580 --> 00:59:46,616
10, 11, 12, 13 children.
1115
00:59:46,616 --> 00:59:47,917
And if you fuck
Brigitte tonight,
1116
00:59:47,917 --> 00:59:51,387
I got a bag
Of penicillin.
1117
00:59:51,387 --> 00:59:53,989
( Cheering )
1118
00:59:53,990 --> 00:59:57,026
Nah, on some real shit,
Flavor flav, seriously,
1119
00:59:57,026 --> 01:00:00,062
I love you.
I love everything you do.
1120
01:00:00,063 --> 01:00:02,231
And if it wasn't
For you, flavor flav, there wouldn't be snoop dogg.
1121
01:00:02,231 --> 01:00:05,267
I love you for being you
At all times, my nigga.
1122
01:00:05,268 --> 01:00:07,270
( hip-hop music playing )
1123
01:00:07,270 --> 01:00:09,872
flav:
Up next, lisa lampanelli!
1124
01:00:09,872 --> 01:00:12,474
Flav, i would lube up
Pretty good.
1125
01:00:12,475 --> 01:00:14,210
'Cause lisa lampanelli...
1126
01:00:14,210 --> 01:00:17,246
and we got me--
Flavor flaaaav!
1127
01:00:17,246 --> 01:00:19,848
Yo, ron!
This my mom.
1128
01:00:19,849 --> 01:00:22,885
- This is my boy,
Ron jeremy, mom. - Nice to meet you.
1129
01:00:22,885 --> 01:00:26,722
- ( cheering )
( Hip-hop music playing )
1130
01:00:26,723 --> 01:00:28,458
Whoo!
1131
01:00:28,458 --> 01:00:31,494
Ladies and gentlemen,
I want you to take a second and freeze yourself
1132
01:00:31,494 --> 01:00:34,964
And understand that you were
At a comedy central roast
1133
01:00:34,964 --> 01:00:40,602
And saw snoop dogg
Be 10 times funnier than any motherfucker up here.
1134
01:00:41,037 --> 01:00:44,073
- ( crowd cheering )
- Remember to mark that in your calendar.
1135
01:00:44,507 --> 01:00:48,410
Jeff ross has been trying
To do that for 35 years.
1136
01:00:48,411 --> 01:00:54,917
Our final roaster has fucked
More black men than equifax.
1137
01:00:54,917 --> 01:00:58,387
Ladies and gentlemen,
Please give it up for the queen of mean--
1138
01:00:58,388 --> 01:01:00,990
Lisa motherfucking
Lampanelli!
1139
01:01:00,990 --> 01:01:03,158
( music playing )
1140
01:01:05,762 --> 01:01:12,268
Oh, come on,
Clap it up for mr. Hanky! Come on!
1141
01:01:12,268 --> 01:01:14,870
Jesus christ!
Katt williams, you are tiny.
1142
01:01:14,871 --> 01:01:19,208
Stick around after the show,
I'm gonna use you as a tampon.
1143
01:01:20,076 --> 01:01:26,148
It is an honor tonight to be
Here at the comedy central roast of flavor flav.
1144
01:01:26,582 --> 01:01:28,750
And what a dais
We have here tonight.
1145
01:01:28,751 --> 01:01:31,353
What a bunch of losers!
1146
01:01:31,354 --> 01:01:34,824
The last time i heard
The names of these idiots i was playing trivial pursuit,
1147
01:01:34,824 --> 01:01:39,161
The no-one-
Gives-a-shit edition.
1148
01:01:43,066 --> 01:01:45,234
But at least it was easy
To find the place.
1149
01:01:45,668 --> 01:01:47,403
When i mapquested
Directions,
1150
01:01:47,403 --> 01:01:54,777
It said go down ventura
And take a left when you smell the cocoa butter.
1151
01:01:54,777 --> 01:01:57,379
I have on cocoa butter.
1152
01:01:57,380 --> 01:01:58,247
I love cocoa butter.
1153
01:01:58,681 --> 01:02:00,416
I love you,
Katt williams.
1154
01:02:00,416 --> 01:02:03,018
I saw your h-b-o special.
That was amazing.
1155
01:02:03,453 --> 01:02:05,188
I haven't heard the "n" word
That many times
1156
01:02:05,188 --> 01:02:09,091
Since i told my father
I'm banging a black man.
1157
01:02:10,393 --> 01:02:12,995
Katt williams uses
The "n" word
1158
01:02:12,995 --> 01:02:17,766
Almost as often as
Sarah silverman uses jimmy kimmel for airtime.
1159
01:02:17,767 --> 01:02:20,369
( Audience groans,
Laughing )
1160
01:02:23,406 --> 01:02:24,707
By the way, black people,
1161
01:02:25,141 --> 01:02:27,309
Don't feel bad if you
Haven't seen jimmy's show.
1162
01:02:27,310 --> 01:02:30,346
It comes on
After lights out.
1163
01:02:35,118 --> 01:02:38,588
but enough about
This colossal failure.
1164
01:02:38,588 --> 01:02:42,491
We're here tonight
To roast flavor "flawv,"
1165
01:02:42,492 --> 01:02:45,962
A performer, a legend
1166
01:02:45,962 --> 01:02:48,564
And a family man.
1167
01:02:48,564 --> 01:02:51,600
Flavor flav is a father
Many times over.
1168
01:02:51,601 --> 01:02:56,372
In fact, there're
Many flav's kids as there are jerry's kids.
1169
01:02:56,372 --> 01:03:00,709
The difference is
Jerry's kids have a brighter future.
1170
01:03:02,011 --> 01:03:04,179
What's with the clothes,
Flavor flav?
1171
01:03:04,180 --> 01:03:05,915
I saw you
On "flavor of love."
1172
01:03:05,915 --> 01:03:09,818
You looked like beef jerky
In a track suit.
1173
01:03:09,819 --> 01:03:11,987
If flavor flav was
Any smaller and darker,
1174
01:03:11,988 --> 01:03:18,494
Brad and angelina
Would try to adopt him.
1175
01:03:18,494 --> 01:03:21,096
Dude, enough with the clock.
You can take it off.
1176
01:03:21,097 --> 01:03:25,000
You haven't had to be
Anywhere in 13 years.
1177
01:03:29,338 --> 01:03:31,506
Only a black person
Could wear a clock that big
1178
01:03:31,507 --> 01:03:38,013
And still not be
On time for anything.
1179
01:03:38,447 --> 01:03:39,314
I love flavor flav.
1180
01:03:39,315 --> 01:03:41,483
As you know,
I bang the blacks.
1181
01:03:41,484 --> 01:03:47,990
My twat has been on
More black guys' lips than purple kool-aid.
1182
01:03:52,762 --> 01:03:54,930
Don't you laugh, ice t.
1183
01:03:54,931 --> 01:03:56,666
As you all know,
1184
01:03:56,666 --> 01:04:01,437
Ice t is not only
A mulatto rapper...
1185
01:04:08,811 --> 01:04:10,546
he is a great actor
1186
01:04:10,546 --> 01:04:13,582
On "law and order:
Special victims unit."
1187
01:04:13,583 --> 01:04:14,884
Yes.
1188
01:04:14,884 --> 01:04:18,354
It's hard for ice t to play
A black police officer.
1189
01:04:18,354 --> 01:04:20,956
Whenever he asks
A victim what the criminal looked like,
1190
01:04:20,957 --> 01:04:23,559
The victim always
Says, "you."
1191
01:04:26,162 --> 01:04:28,330
But enough about
The negroes...
1192
01:04:30,933 --> 01:04:33,101
Patton oswalt is here.
1193
01:04:33,102 --> 01:04:37,005
Patton oswalt,
Look at you with those tiny baby hands.
1194
01:04:37,006 --> 01:04:38,307
your hands are so small
1195
01:04:38,307 --> 01:04:42,210
You'd have to wear
Boxing gloves to fist me.
1196
01:04:47,416 --> 01:04:49,151
Patton oswalt's face
Is so beat up,
1197
01:04:49,151 --> 01:04:50,452
When he got
Out of a car
1198
01:04:50,453 --> 01:04:53,055
I thought it was
Britney spears' pussy.
1199
01:04:57,827 --> 01:05:00,429
Don't you laugh at
An unfunny joke, carrot top.
1200
01:05:00,429 --> 01:05:02,597
you've got big muscles
And a crappy act.
1201
01:05:02,598 --> 01:05:07,369
You're a bad haircut away
From being joe piscopo.
1202
01:05:07,370 --> 01:05:12,141
Carrot top-- i used to think
They called you carrot top because of your red hair.
1203
01:05:12,141 --> 01:05:14,309
Now i know it's because
Everyone would love to see you
1204
01:05:14,310 --> 01:05:16,912
Buried up to your
Forehead in dirt.
1205
01:05:20,383 --> 01:05:23,419
Fucking
Rotten motherfuckers.
1206
01:05:23,419 --> 01:05:26,021
- ( cheering )
- No! No!
1207
01:05:30,793 --> 01:05:34,696
Jeff ross... You're
A failure and you're nothing to look at.
1208
01:05:34,697 --> 01:05:37,299
Looking at you, it reminds me
To shave my taint.
1209
01:05:46,409 --> 01:05:49,011
I joke.
I love jeff ross.
1210
01:05:49,011 --> 01:05:52,481
But come on, you're
A middle-age white jew
1211
01:05:52,481 --> 01:05:54,649
Sitting up here
With a bunch of rappers.
1212
01:05:54,650 --> 01:05:56,385
I haven't seen you look
This out of place
1213
01:05:56,385 --> 01:05:58,553
Since you were asked
To headline.
1214
01:05:58,554 --> 01:06:00,722
all: oh!
1215
01:06:00,723 --> 01:06:02,891
Brigitte and i are friends.
You were terrific.
1216
01:06:02,892 --> 01:06:05,060
Wasn't she great, folks?
1217
01:06:05,061 --> 01:06:06,796
- Aw.
- ( Cheering )
1218
01:06:06,796 --> 01:06:09,832
She was as funny
As she is relevant.
1219
01:06:12,868 --> 01:06:14,603
Brigitte, you're
A good-looking woman,
1220
01:06:14,603 --> 01:06:18,073
But i have to ask you,
How did you fuck flavor flav?
1221
01:06:18,074 --> 01:06:29,785
I've fucked more
Black men than fema and i wouldn't touch him.
1222
01:06:29,785 --> 01:06:32,821
It's nice to see the
"Flavor of love" girls here.
1223
01:06:32,822 --> 01:06:35,424
Aren't they beautiful?
I love them.
1224
01:06:35,424 --> 01:06:38,460
( Cheering )
1225
01:06:38,461 --> 01:06:40,196
They look like
The 3:00 a.M. Shift
1226
01:06:40,196 --> 01:06:42,798
At the jacksonville,
Florida, waffle house.
1227
01:06:52,775 --> 01:06:57,546
We're here tonight
To honor the urkel of v-h-1--
1228
01:06:57,546 --> 01:07:00,148
flavor flav...
1229
01:07:00,149 --> 01:07:03,185
A man who has gone
From public enemy
1230
01:07:03,185 --> 01:07:06,221
To public embarrassment.
1231
01:07:06,222 --> 01:07:11,427
Flavor flav was a member
Of public enemy when their first albums went platinum.
1232
01:07:11,427 --> 01:07:15,330
Sadly, his last solo effort
Went paper mache.
1233
01:07:17,500 --> 01:07:20,536
In closing, flavor flav,
1234
01:07:20,536 --> 01:07:24,439
I'd like to be sincere
And thank you for letting me make fun of you tonight.
1235
01:07:24,440 --> 01:07:27,042
You've been
An amazing sport.
1236
01:07:27,043 --> 01:07:28,778
- ( applauding )
- And frankly,
1237
01:07:28,778 --> 01:07:32,248
On a personal note,
I'd like to say
1238
01:07:32,248 --> 01:07:33,983
You are my hero.
1239
01:07:33,983 --> 01:07:38,320
You are proof
That it's never too late to look for love.
1240
01:07:38,320 --> 01:07:43,958
You inspire me, flav, because if
An odd-looking, shriveled-up california raisin like you
1241
01:07:43,959 --> 01:07:48,296
Can find 15 nappy-headed bitches
To toss your salad...
1242
01:07:48,297 --> 01:07:54,803
( Audience laughing )
1243
01:07:54,804 --> 01:08:00,009
I gotta be able to scare up at
Least one chocolate daddy to lick my asshole too.
1244
01:08:00,009 --> 01:08:02,177
Thank you and good night.
God bless you all.
1245
01:08:02,178 --> 01:08:05,481
( hip-hop music playing )
- I love you. I love you.
1246
01:08:05,481 --> 01:08:08,083
Flav:
Coming up, flavor flaaav!
1247
01:08:08,084 --> 01:08:09,819
And after i get roasted,
1248
01:08:09,819 --> 01:08:12,421
Yo boy is getting
Toasted! Ha!
1249
01:08:15,424 --> 01:08:18,460
Ladies and gentlemen,
He's an icon...
1250
01:08:18,461 --> 01:08:21,063
And an ex-con.
1251
01:08:21,063 --> 01:08:23,231
he's dynamic,
Subversive,
1252
01:08:23,232 --> 01:08:25,834
prolific and a bunch
Of other words
1253
01:08:25,835 --> 01:08:28,003
He probably
Doesn't understand.
1254
01:08:28,003 --> 01:08:30,605
He is truly
One of a kind--
1255
01:08:30,606 --> 01:08:35,377
Except for the crazy dude
That's outside the liquor store at manchester and western.
1256
01:08:35,377 --> 01:08:38,413
He's in the house
And out of his mind,
1257
01:08:38,414 --> 01:08:41,016
Ladies and gentlemen,
A true superstar--
1258
01:08:41,016 --> 01:08:43,184
Flavor flaaaav!
1259
01:08:43,185 --> 01:08:45,353
( hip-hop music playing )
1260
01:08:47,089 --> 01:08:49,691
( cheering )
1261
01:08:57,933 --> 01:09:01,403
Woooow!
1262
01:09:01,403 --> 01:09:05,306
One time,
Let me hear you say flavor flaaav!
1263
01:09:05,307 --> 01:09:09,210
All:
Flavor flaaaav!
1264
01:09:15,718 --> 01:09:21,790
After listening to all
These jokes about me, i just realized something:
1265
01:09:22,224 --> 01:09:23,959
I'm fucked up!
1266
01:09:23,959 --> 01:09:25,694
( Cackling )
1267
01:09:27,429 --> 01:09:30,899
Seriously, y'all,
This roast reminds me of my show.
1268
01:09:30,900 --> 01:09:33,936
It's one star in the room
Full of bitches!
1269
01:09:42,178 --> 01:09:44,346
All you roasters...
1270
01:09:44,346 --> 01:09:52,153
I'm about to give all you
Nicknames like i be doing the girls on my show.
1271
01:09:52,154 --> 01:09:56,057
Starting with you, katt!
I'm gonna call you sickle cell.
1272
01:09:56,058 --> 01:09:57,793
'Cause black folks
1273
01:09:57,793 --> 01:10:00,395
Is the only ones
That get you! Ha!
1274
01:10:00,396 --> 01:10:02,131
( Cackling )
1275
01:10:02,998 --> 01:10:04,733
Yo, snoop...
1276
01:10:06,468 --> 01:10:10,805
Take the hood off your head,
My nizzle fo shizzle nizzle.
1277
01:10:10,806 --> 01:10:12,541
I can't believe some
Of the shit you said about me.
1278
01:10:12,541 --> 01:10:14,709
But let's face it,
Homes,
1279
01:10:14,710 --> 01:10:18,180
This ain't the first time
You got away with murder.
1280
01:10:18,180 --> 01:10:20,348
( audience groans )
1281
01:10:22,518 --> 01:10:26,421
Brigitte nielsen, yo,
You know i respect you.
1282
01:10:26,422 --> 01:10:29,024
I value you as a person.
1283
01:10:29,024 --> 01:10:31,192
so i'm gonna call you
1284
01:10:31,193 --> 01:10:34,229
Titty mcgiant-jugs.
1285
01:10:35,097 --> 01:10:37,699
- ( Snickers )
- All right. ( Laughs )
1286
01:10:37,700 --> 01:10:40,302
wooooow!
1287
01:10:40,302 --> 01:10:42,904
- I love you, gitte.
You heard me? - And i love you too.
1288
01:10:43,772 --> 01:10:49,844
Jimmy kimmel!
1289
01:10:49,845 --> 01:10:52,013
i'm gonna call you funny.
1290
01:10:52,014 --> 01:10:54,616
You should at least hear it
Once before you die.
1291
01:10:54,617 --> 01:10:57,219
( cackling )
1292
01:10:57,219 --> 01:10:59,821
- Yo, jeff ross!
- Right here, flav.
1293
01:10:59,822 --> 01:11:01,990
i'm gonna give you
A rap name--
1294
01:11:01,991 --> 01:11:03,726
Old ugly bastard!
1295
01:11:05,027 --> 01:11:07,629
yeah, for real, g,
You know what i'm saying?
1296
01:11:07,630 --> 01:11:09,798
Your jokes was
Straight-up racist!
1297
01:11:09,798 --> 01:11:11,099
Simple and plain!
1298
01:11:11,100 --> 01:11:14,136
Motherfuck you
And john wayne!
1299
01:11:15,871 --> 01:11:19,341
I just wanna say it's
Been a great honor, man,
1300
01:11:19,341 --> 01:11:24,112
To be made fun of by all of
These talented people up here. You know?
1301
01:11:24,113 --> 01:11:25,414
And i ain't gonna lie, man.
1302
01:11:25,414 --> 01:11:28,016
But i've been through some hard
Times, you know what i'm saying, in my life.
1303
01:11:28,017 --> 01:11:32,354
But tonight, your man
Flavor flav is back on top, baby.
1304
01:11:32,354 --> 01:11:34,956
( Cheering )
1305
01:11:38,427 --> 01:11:41,029
Thank y'all for coming.
You know what i'm saying?
1306
01:11:41,030 --> 01:11:44,933
Yo, snoop, ice, jimmy,
Carrot-- everybody,
1307
01:11:44,933 --> 01:11:46,234
All y'all, man.
1308
01:11:46,235 --> 01:11:47,970
I love y'all, man.
Thank y'all for coming.
1309
01:11:47,970 --> 01:11:50,572
- Good night, y'all.
- ( Cheering )
1310
01:11:50,572 --> 01:11:54,042
( hip-hop music playing )
1311
01:11:54,043 --> 01:11:57,713
Hey yo, check this out.
This night was flav-tastic.
1312
01:11:57,713 --> 01:11:59,014
Flav brought that shit out
Of me tonight.
1313
01:11:59,014 --> 01:12:01,182
I wouldn't do this
For nobody but flav.
1314
01:12:01,183 --> 01:12:03,785
Is there a mirror somewhere?
Let me look at my face.
1315
01:12:04,219 --> 01:12:05,954
It's really starting
To make me concerned.
1316
01:12:05,954 --> 01:12:08,556
- Thank you all for coming.
- Thanks for having us.
1317
01:12:08,557 --> 01:12:10,725
I love you.
Thank you.
1318
01:12:10,726 --> 01:12:11,593
I love you, gitte.
1319
01:12:15,264 --> 01:12:19,167
The greatest night
Of my life, hands down.
1320
01:12:19,168 --> 01:12:21,336
- They told me, "yo,
Carrot top wanna come." - Yeah yeah yeah.
1321
01:12:21,337 --> 01:12:23,939
Like, "word!
That's my man!"
1322
01:12:23,939 --> 01:12:26,975
I thought it was good.
I thought there was a lot of positive things said.
1323
01:12:26,975 --> 01:12:29,143
Thought we came to some
Realities, some truths.
1324
01:12:29,144 --> 01:12:32,614
I'm devastated.
They were so darn mean to flavor flav.
1325
01:12:32,614 --> 01:12:34,782
Thanks for being
A good sport.
1326
01:12:34,783 --> 01:12:37,819
Of course,
I'm always good for it. No, definitely not.
1327
01:12:37,820 --> 01:12:39,988
- Right here, baby.
Right here. - Lots of fun.
1328
01:12:40,422 --> 01:12:42,590
I got ripped more than usual.
But you know what?
1329
01:12:42,591 --> 01:12:44,759
I can take it.
No, i can't.
1330
01:12:44,760 --> 01:12:46,928
Thank you.
I love you, brother.
1331
01:12:46,929 --> 01:12:48,664
Thank you for coming.
1332
01:12:48,664 --> 01:12:50,399
There was a few times
I thought,
1333
01:12:50,399 --> 01:12:53,869
"Fuck that was
Really rotten."
1334
01:12:53,869 --> 01:12:56,037
But you know what?
It was fun. It was a great night.
1335
01:12:56,038 --> 01:12:59,074
I finally got
To reconnect with my hip-hop roots.
1336
01:12:59,074 --> 01:13:00,809
You know,
I come from the street.
1337
01:13:01,243 --> 01:13:03,411
I got a big hug from flav
On the way out.
1338
01:13:03,412 --> 01:13:06,014
And he said,
"You're the best. You were great."
1339
01:13:06,014 --> 01:13:07,749
And you what?
He's fucked brigitte nielson
1340
01:13:07,750 --> 01:13:11,220
So he knows about
Large white bitches, so i must be funny.
1341
01:13:11,220 --> 01:13:14,690
I had a lot of fun.
Everything is great, you hear me?